rubbish...

hoping to start the year off with some super productive writing has left me with half a dozen starts to only one complete thought...eesh.

i wondered if venturing out of my robe & slippers to a nearby coffee shop might help to focus & get the blogging juices bubbling. because that's what people do, right? type the next best thing over a delicious latté? (i've read that before, i think) also, what's up with the popularity of macarons? (or is it macaroons? or are they two different things?) anyhoo, they come in all sorts of color variations & they seem to be popping up everywhere, even in beauty ads. i really want to try one. but then i’m distracted by the yummiest picture of jared leto (instagram via instyle magazine) & ‘saved by the bell’ comes on. this was friday…

saturday comes & goes with a date night with the hubs…freak/burlesques show, yes please! & sunday lazes by as well…holiday monday? nope, there is no even thought process on this day either. i just need some quiet time.

okay, quiet time...concentrate. yea, i don't really do "quiet." i need some type of noise; that's actually when i do my best thinking (besides the shower)...om! i’m too easily distracted. i have far too many silly things that road block productivity like:

-i want to go by the fabric store, but why…i have a sewing machine that i have no idea how to use, but i have huge ideas for. (maybe i'll check out a sewing for dummies book from the library)

-i have my practical test for my license next week...barf! i'll be so glad when it's over. i have the worst test anxiety.

-am i in the mood to try on pants today? probably not.

-our house is turning into a rug museum.

-i forget how old i am all the time.

-i should be straightening up right now!

-i find that i get less done the more time i am given.

-i secretly want to be someone’s #wcw…i know, i know, but it’s true!

-diy projects get completed this week.

-i honestly have interesting topic material coming soon. (fingers crossed)

-this is perhaps the most ridiculous, boring blog that i’ve ever written.

**& i didn’t even bother to edit!

sorry, folks!

37...

after recently celebrating another birthday, i’ve figured out a few things for myself & i no longer think, but know the following (in no particular order):
 

i am good enough.

movies, tv shows, & even commercials may make me cry...i'm not just having a "woman" type breakdown!

if you've ever told me a secret, it's still here...safe.

after being kicked when i'm down, i have never thrown anyone under a bus.

blowing bubbles is fun.

moderation & i are on a first name basis...for the most part.

if i'm hot, i'm hot. if i'm chilly...don't tell me how i feel.

few people know who i am; all you have to do is pay attention.

home cooked meals are still the best.

mistakes are learning experiences & life has many learning curves.

it's never too late to be who you want to be.

daydreaming is not a crime.

girl scout cookies still rock my socks.

age is totally just a number.

i'm not a size 2 & that's okay...i love & understand my body so much more than i ever did when i was that tag number.

pink champagne just taste better!

mean girls & drama queens aren't trapped in teenage years...they exist far beyond (security in self is key).

i am happy...scratch that, i am elated when my friends do well, feel well; have their dreams come true.

there are times to work & times to play; my best work is when i can play.

choosing battles is very important.

i still don't think hunting is a "sport"...save that term for when the animals are packing rifles/bows & arrows in their tree stands.

you can't make somebody want their potential.

listening is super valuable.

laughter really is the best medicine.

small stuff is just that...unless you’re trying to quit smoking.

i only hope that i'm half as cool as my monkey thinks i am.

hangovers were a heck of a lot easier to get over many moons ago.

if you love someone, i mean truly...it never goes away.

hugs & support never get old.

my house will never be cleaner than someone saying "i'll be there in 20 minutes!"

i do my best thinking at the most in opportune times (but jot them down, just in case).

i always go with my gut; it just works for me.

i've learned that if i offend others with my stance on human equality or animal rights that it's only a reminder of the people that i probably don't want to associate with anyways.

badges...

when i was little, i was a girl scout. yes, you read that correctly. a brownie & then a junior scout. i went to meetings, retreats, camp (gawd, how i hated camp!)...sold cookies. but my most favorite part about this group, that miss juliette low started so many years ago, had to be the badges!

after the allure of visiting the ginormous tapp’s department store downtown to don new threads of brown from head to toe (& later faded green) wore off, there was one key uniform signature that taunted me like an old pillowcase that vied for halloween candy...the sash!

oh, how i wanted so badly to fill that sucker up with badges galore of home economics types & outdoorsy things & doing community works; sewn on by my mother, of course. it would be full of my accomplishments & i intended to wear it everywhere. folks would ask me about my beautiful accessory to which i would sigh & say "this old thing?" (because i had heard that in a movie once, & it seemed like a breezy & sophisticated thing to say!)

what would burst my big dreams (trapped in a tiny person) would be the underlying theme of said badges...um, "merit" badges. as in, i had to earn them. seek out the opportunity, write about it in my badges notebook, have it checked off by my scout leader; earn them. but, some were going to look really good on that sash & i'd already figured out the perfect skirts & leg warmers to match them. enter 7 year old heartache. my plan was to knock out the simpler ones first & work up to the more coveted circles of glory! which worked out at first, then it was on to plan b...screw the easy ones (who wants what everyone else has). but it was hard work. i tried to pretend that i deserved the upper crust, only to realize that in fact, all i really knew was how to sew a button, be nice to my neighbor, & adore animals & nature. it seemed (at the time) that the little things were getting me nowhere & that sash was only filled partially on one side...what the...?! no one would acknowledge that!

fast forward three decades later & i'm still working towards badges, but i'm not sewing them on sashes these days. actually, i rarely speak of earned things unless asked (which is few & far between) or i feel comfortable enough in sharing with someone who is truly interested in my day to day happenings. people actually seem taken back when subjects come up & i'm all, yea, i've done that. i'm not trying to stretch truths...i've really experienced several different life situations & have achieved stuff. maybe not on the grandest of schemes; didn't make me a bazillionaire, but sure...been there, done that, diy-ed the tee shirt (okay, not really). i've gotten the ole "what can't you do?" in sarcastic blows. is it so hard to believe...that i've managed more than one challenge; sometimes simultaneously? (it's kind of in my veins, i guess) i laugh because it doesn't matter one way or the other...i don't go for new & unchartered territories for glory...or share kindness or love or what-have-yous so that a scout leader announces it to the rest of the troop once a week anyway. (although a little good faith & encouragement never hurt anyone)

i certainly won't wear a badge that i haven't sought out & attained to the fullest. i'm only kidding myself when i claim kudos & accolades for half-assed projects, right?! i don't usually wake up in the morning thinking i want to be a blank & by the end of the day, poof, i'm an expert. (ps...i'm never an expert, but i do like to swap information) i really don't like to boost myself publicly at all; feels weird.

in reality, my sash is clean & pressed for only one circular symbol. it's a student of the universe badge that i will proudly own; embroidered with balance beams, yins & yangs, ashes & phoenixes! there's a monkey on it & some figures in the background holding hands...hubs & me? i'm always trying to better this soul & educate this mind. risks are scary, but necessary. change & evolution are like that new language that i'm constantly trying to learn. (there are some books on cds at the library, probably) i've got the perfect skirts & leg warmers to match, of course.

secretly, i still yearn for all those nifty badges of haute couture, travel, & world domination. for now, i'm content with the knowledge that most can still be earned & utilized. & i won't even have to call my momma to sew them on for me!

thank you, mary...

so, as many of you know (or are about to find out), i'm currently enrolled in cosmetology  school & have been since last april. i've had quite a ride that will come to an end in november. other than the normal bookwork, testing, & time on the clinic floor playing with guests hair, nails, & faces, i've also had extracurriculars; including but not limited to plays, photo shoots, & fashion shows. i adore doing hair & makeup & look forward to starting my career.

among the  many opportunities, i was presented with one of my most favorite to date late last spring. it was a wig competition & the wigs were going to be donated to the south carolina oncology associates here in town. i was immediately intrigued. 

wait, i'd never even made a wig. could i make a wig? i sure wanted to try. for cancer patients? why, yes...i could help someone to forget for a brief moment in time about any hair loss from an illness & feel some sort of normalcy. & selfishly, i did it a little for myself...to test my comfort zone & to maybe learn & grow for the sake of my craft.

i would complete my mission of making a wig, compete in said contest, & win 2nd place. but this blog isn't about my victory of placing; i'd already reached that goal just by putting myself out there & creating something that i was truly proud of. no, this is way bigger than me.

a couple of weeks after the competition, we were notified that one of the local news crews would be visiting the school to interview the contestants about their process & inspiration for our wig designs. (mine was simply that i know & have known cancer fighters & survivors & that awareness is key, especially among my own age group.) a few weeks after that, they'd come back...this time with a cancer survivor & recipient of the very first wig. unfortunately, i was unable to come to school early due to last minute notice. i would soon find out that my wig was chosen! i was bummed that i wasn't there, but felt so honored & excited & knew that the other two winners were taking excellent care of her & the styling.

she introduced herself as mary haddon when she called to thank me that afternoon & i apologized that i was unable to meet her at the school. she called me...to personally thank me for entering this competition & giving her the convenience of long hair again! she said it'd been some time & she couldn't wait to show her daughter, who often pulled out old pictures that reminded her of her once flowing locks. you know how you can tell when someone is smiling over the phone? i did that for her. i was a blubbering mess all night because my heart was so full!

fast forward to tonight. as i'm getting in from school, shoving my face with leftover pizza, talking to the hubs, & reading emails, facebook, etc., i'm shocked to see that dear mary haddon had passed this evening. i immediately cry...& i can't even believe what i've read. & i mean sobbing...for a woman i've never met, but felt so connected to. i text a very close friend, who i suspect might still be up & know will have the right words to console my bewilderment...& she does. the hubs confirms the sentiment.

but, i'm a little teary-eyed still & a lot heartbroken for her family. i'm not sure why our paths crossed, but i'm thankful for it. 

life is so freaking short. & i have so many questions, but for now, i just have to continue to strive to do my little part in this big world. & here come the waterworks again...

thank you, mary, for everything!

back to school...

as the first week of school begins to marinate, i start to reminisce on summer (from a week ago), & how i was this “good guy,” the cool mom who allowed morning time ample room for ‘cartoon network’ & zelda…even a little minecrafting. all hail “me!” no particular schedules of waking up or going to bed or getting dressed…unless a spectacular occasion called for it. the only thing i would get were the occasional ‘mehs’ of few & far between…when the afternoons finally called for a “let’s go to grammy’s” because of my night classes. but overall, i was awesome!

now, let me fill you in on the non-summer routine…what is to surely come of my coolness points & momma street cred with the monkey. if memory serves me, it goes something like this…

miraculously, i awake to alarm clocks that no one else hears. i wish snooze was in my vocabulary, but most days it's not. i shuffle through the house like a disoriented zombie. the cat tries to kill me by zipping through my legs, because apparently we're racing? i spot the dog, who doesn't want to get up either, & pretends to not have made eye contact. i walk back to monkey's room & in my best june cleaver voice, announce "time to get up!"  i lay clothes out. i say " come on, sweet boy, time to get up"  i make breakfast. i repeat, " time to get up!" i make sure the lunch box has everything needed. i double check homework &/or pack book bags. i say "get dressed...go ahead & eat." i walk back to the bedroom to remind the hubs, "time to get up." i ready toothbrushes with toothpaste. i set shoes, jackets, whatevers out. i ask nicely at least 7-8 times (well, you know)...but no one notices. yet again, " c'mon, get dressed...go ahead & eat." maybe a little bit more stern this time. they notice. “where is your library book?” i ask questions & start conversations that aren't meant to frustrate, but seemingly upset sleepy ones. i attempt to read minds. i realize that i can't read minds. i still can’t find that library book. i change back to mary poppins, but to no avail. i remind  again, "time to go!" i disturb the otherwise happy, nothing to do today moods of the household. but there is stuff to do...it's a weekday of learning...& i found the library book, hooray! i become the enemy. i make husbands grumble & monkeys wrinkle their noses in detest!  i'm a tyrant, a monster, the mother. i plant smooches, wish a super fun awesome happy day & wave fanatically at the door like a big doofus trying to save face! all before i’ve had my coffee!!

eureka! i know what i’ll do different this year…drink my coffee first!

"children"...

one of the many housewarming gifts that i received when the hubs & i purchased our first home was a cute little sign from my sister that read "this place is a zoo."  it was quite the double entrende as hubs' job at the time was primary penguin keeper at the local zoo & also, that our love for animals, far exceeded that of the criminally insane.
but the meaning was appropriate, nonetheless, & still hangs in our house.


to have met someone, who fancied a multitude of beasts, & of all blood temps, was beyond my wildest dreams (yes, i said fancied). & at one time, the then not hubs yet & i had plenty of the food budget split accordingly. there was us (naturally), about 12 reptiles (i think 2-3 were not venomous...eep), a very scary australian trap door spider, 5 bengal kitties we were housing (we ended up with the only female, rita), a domestic shorthair found in a dumpster (or, miss sybil...my faithful tv companion & trip artist to this day). we babysat a tiger once & holy, nightmare...that thing would stalk me when people left the room, but hey, he was cute...ha! & oh my goodness, the two pygmy marmosets that we fostered until our friend set up habitat for them; let's just say, child rearing crash course for the future!


during our courtship/living in sin/i do's, the hubs & i have lovingly housed a ferret, turtles, salt water fishes, a chocolate & white (i know, right) skunk, poison arrow frogs, various reptiles, & have made shelter for numerous, i mean nu-mer-ous, parrots until their forever homes were found.


at the time of said housewarming, our new abode only consisted of a few family members; delia the border collie, sybil & rita, & paco, the quaker parrot. only sybil remains of the original lineup. the monkey loved & lost the other three along with hubs & me. it sucks to lose a pet...always. but, then to experience it with your child? heart wrenching!


sooo...we got the sybil girl & little beagle brother, scout. (who drive each other crazy) & we've added tarantula #1 (spiderus, r.i.p) & tarantula #2 (blue), 6 chickens (or, the girls), a corn snake, 2 red eyed tree frogs, & a fiesty bearded dragon (lula) to our little "zoo." i speak of goats & rabbits often, but get denied (they act like i'm not the one who'll take care of these new additions).


in the meantime, i break for squirrels (even though they steal my tomatoes & peppers in the garden), am in awe of all creatures big & small, love watching birds; even tolerate crazy bugs for the sake of monkey...except for our state (sc) bird, the mosquito...viscous little bloodsuckers...ouch!

i love my animals (yes, even monkey's tarantula), like...love them. maybe it's the momma in me; i've always had an affinity for critters & the need to not only yield to, but nurture them. we share that, the hubs & i...i own that…it's “our” thing.

hiatus...

n. pl. hi·a·tus·es or hiatus
1. a gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break.

so, that's where i've been...somewhere between the mental & literal state. i never meant to be gone so long. it was no vacation, trust me.

i was busy or stifled or lazy or overwhelmed...sometimes underwhelmed or just keeping the all too private journal (i can't not write at all.) i didn't think i had it in me, but the thoughts were there. the anecdotes. the euphemisms. the humor at life. the sadness & distraught of it all. so, i climbed in my tortoise shell & hid like a coward. i was afraid that i'd lost my public display of wordage...the ones that were socially acceptable to speak out.loud. when have i ever been afraid of that? i got words, folks.

& maybe they aren't always the right words. i say things that don't make sense. i make cultural references (okay, of the pop variety) that get question mark faces. & sometimes, i even speak of things that most would shun me of because they're thought of, just not spoken; but they're mine...those words. i take ownership.

i've never set out to hurt another person intentionally. ever. not even a cruel joke at someone else's expense. i am funny...yes. not cruel. (or, i think i'm funny...it varies on the crowd. or maybe it's just me) if it's ever heard or read that way...then, whoops!

anyhoo, my life can't revolve around what i shouldn't have said when i've trained myself to be real. it's hard to be guarded 24/7 scared that a few may not understand me or know of my utterly un-malicious intent.

time to move on with the light & breezy once more. break's over...time to get to work!