badges...

when i was little, i was a girl scout. yes, you read that correctly. a brownie & then a junior scout. i went to meetings, retreats, camp (gawd, how i hated camp!)...sold cookies. but my most favorite part about this group, that miss juliette low started so many years ago, had to be the badges!

after the allure of visiting the ginormous tapp’s department store downtown to don new threads of brown from head to toe (& later faded green) wore off, there was one key uniform signature that taunted me like an old pillowcase that vied for halloween candy...the sash!

oh, how i wanted so badly to fill that sucker up with badges galore of home economics types & outdoorsy things & doing community works; sewn on by my mother, of course. it would be full of my accomplishments & i intended to wear it everywhere. folks would ask me about my beautiful accessory to which i would sigh & say "this old thing?" (because i had heard that in a movie once, & it seemed like a breezy & sophisticated thing to say!)

what would burst my big dreams (trapped in a tiny person) would be the underlying theme of said badges...um, "merit" badges. as in, i had to earn them. seek out the opportunity, write about it in my badges notebook, have it checked off by my scout leader; earn them. but, some were going to look really good on that sash & i'd already figured out the perfect skirts & leg warmers to match them. enter 7 year old heartache. my plan was to knock out the simpler ones first & work up to the more coveted circles of glory! which worked out at first, then it was on to plan b...screw the easy ones (who wants what everyone else has). but it was hard work. i tried to pretend that i deserved the upper crust, only to realize that in fact, all i really knew was how to sew a button, be nice to my neighbor, & adore animals & nature. it seemed (at the time) that the little things were getting me nowhere & that sash was only filled partially on one side...what the...?! no one would acknowledge that!

fast forward three decades later & i'm still working towards badges, but i'm not sewing them on sashes these days. actually, i rarely speak of earned things unless asked (which is few & far between) or i feel comfortable enough in sharing with someone who is truly interested in my day to day happenings. people actually seem taken back when subjects come up & i'm all, yea, i've done that. i'm not trying to stretch truths...i've really experienced several different life situations & have achieved stuff. maybe not on the grandest of schemes; didn't make me a bazillionaire, but sure...been there, done that, diy-ed the tee shirt (okay, not really). i've gotten the ole "what can't you do?" in sarcastic blows. is it so hard to believe...that i've managed more than one challenge; sometimes simultaneously? (it's kind of in my veins, i guess) i laugh because it doesn't matter one way or the other...i don't go for new & unchartered territories for glory...or share kindness or love or what-have-yous so that a scout leader announces it to the rest of the troop once a week anyway. (although a little good faith & encouragement never hurt anyone)

i certainly won't wear a badge that i haven't sought out & attained to the fullest. i'm only kidding myself when i claim kudos & accolades for half-assed projects, right?! i don't usually wake up in the morning thinking i want to be a blank & by the end of the day, poof, i'm an expert. (ps...i'm never an expert, but i do like to swap information) i really don't like to boost myself publicly at all; feels weird.

in reality, my sash is clean & pressed for only one circular symbol. it's a student of the universe badge that i will proudly own; embroidered with balance beams, yins & yangs, ashes & phoenixes! there's a monkey on it & some figures in the background holding hands...hubs & me? i'm always trying to better this soul & educate this mind. risks are scary, but necessary. change & evolution are like that new language that i'm constantly trying to learn. (there are some books on cds at the library, probably) i've got the perfect skirts & leg warmers to match, of course.

secretly, i still yearn for all those nifty badges of haute couture, travel, & world domination. for now, i'm content with the knowledge that most can still be earned & utilized. & i won't even have to call my momma to sew them on for me!