disgustoid is my middle name…

smoker…bleck & sick of it! such a pain in the butt to quit though…i don’t wanna quit you sticks of ‘bacco. but, i have to…it’s time. i made a list of pros & cons, & the cons so outweigh the pros on these scales that i’m holding. & i do want to quit…i do! i do!

top ten reasons that i really want & need to nip this bud:

10. not having to hear other people telling me how bad it is for me. “really? the surgeon general said what? i had no idea!” okay, so i’m a smartass & i really could care less what other people think, but it is kind of a stigma. i mean, i know it’s bad, folks, but it’s my deal. & people are mean about smoking! look, everyone has their vice &/or bad habit. i am hoping to cut it out completely…very soon! but that is because i say i am ready to. you can't quit upon another's suggestion...not that simple. *& the funny thing is, the absolute worst people who comment on smoking are ex smokers! so annoying…congrats on your great achievement! yes, i’m still a “loser!”

9. i stink like smoke…all the time! even though i don’t smoke in my home & it’s not all absorbed in my clothes, furniture, bedding, etc. it’s still on me, in my hair, on my clothes. & i can smell myself, especially at work, my parent’s house, & any other non-smoking establishment.

8. constantly waiting to smoke…break time…after i eat…excusing myself from friends at bars, parties, etc. to go outside. rain, sleet, snow, or blazing ass heat finds me outside puffing. craziness, right?! feel almost bound to this habit…at its mercy. & i am…totally!

7. 599 problems, but a bitch ain’t one! ingredients…additives!! five hundred & ninety nine of them…um, holy crap! among the poisons that i recognized & over half the shit that i can’t pronounce, a word stuck out to me like a neon freaking sign…ambergris! yep, that’s right…whale vomit! (sperm whale, to be exact) & i found this out from an extremely reliable source, but i just had to see it in black & white for myself. regurgitation at its finest…yum yum!

6. it’s affecting my groove! i’m pretty sure that i’d be more awesome (then i already am) at ‘just dance’ if i didn’t have to take a “let me catch my breath” break after 2 songs. well, that & i’m totally out of shape, but why deviate from the situation at hand?

5. “dolla, dolla bills, ya’ll.” so freaking expensive! & i live in a state where they’re probably the cheapest & i use coupons! (of course, i do) i remember a time when i said “i’m quitting when cigarettes go over $2 a pack”…ha…ha…ugh.

4. over 35 & on birth control. i know, too much information, but it’s true. you know all those commercials when they go into the risk…yea, totally in that category. aye! scary stuff.

3. vanity…oh, the vanity! i refuse to lose any more of my youth at my own hands. that sounds horrible, but it’s true! i do not want yellow fingernails, yellow teeth, & lines that run this way & that across my face & hands (not yet! too soon!). it’s like i’m wasting double the money on creams & lotions & teeth whitening only to cancel it out, ya know?!

2. life…a long one for $1000, alex! i always hear these statistics, & it is finally resonating with me…finally. i’ve seen the black lungs in jars, seen folks on oxygen, & know, personally, cancer survivors & even more non. i’m not a cold hearted person at all & these things should have been more important to me, but i was looking from the outside in. when i was younger, it seemed these were old people illnesses. it wasn’t “me,” so that “aha” moment didn’t quite click at those moments in time. does that make sense?

& number…

1. monkey, monkey, monkey! i’ve quit smoking before…march 2004. it was a no brainer…i was prego! my reasoning at the time was simple. i had a non-smoking mother & clean slate, so i felt it was only fair to the little him/her that would be in our lives. & i did good, too. didn’t miss it at all the entire pregnancy. after birth, i nursed & still no cravings. this didn’t last too long, unfortunately. when he was around 9 months old, i started sneaking one here & there, & then after a “ladies night” & bumming a smoke or two, it was on. why oh why? so here i am, 6 years later, wanting & needing to quit for my little guy again! i owe it to him…myself, to be his mom for as long as possible! he needs me. plus, he knows it’s bad (not sure why, but yea) & gives me that sad face when he knows i’m going out to smoke. gah, the guilt (please…not the sad face! that is the worse face ever!) 

sooo…there they are. i’m convinced. but it’s a wicked little habit to break; im trying. in the mean time, keep the positive vibes coming my way; that no heads get ripped off, no public meltdowns, nails stay intact & aren’t chewed to the nub, & that the box of little debbie fudge rounds aren’t ravaged in a late night escapade!

p.s. my smoker friends...you are still my friends, regardless. we probably know more about each other from the times we camped out together away from the herd...ha! i promise not to judge or alienate when i (fingers crossed) quit the "club!"