i versus universe

i wonder if the gods get sick of watching reruns of my life! i don't wanna be on syndication & i always aspire to keep things fresh, but need a swift kick at times. enter the universe. it knows me too well. it would have to...i mean, it just seems like every time i start to get complacent in a particular comfort zone; life slaps me upside the head & says "snap out of it!" any thing from hair color to hobbies...i like newness!! i have a very short attention span, & if i'm not growing, trying, exploring then i'm just blah...blah blah blah! hopefully, it doesn't come across that i am never content...i am. i just don't hold on to glory days or past personal best. actually, i don't feel like i've even peaked yet.

there's a defining moment in everyone's life...or two...or three that impact the soul/spirit. should one completely be engulfed, it could better or worsen individual situations. scary, right? but isn't this what builds character? i adore choices, but what about events that are out of my control? those pesky little scenes out of life...you know where you scream & cry & ask "what have i done to piss off my maker?" now, it is said "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade." really? no way...when life hands me lemons, i do shots! that seems more realistic, don't you think?! give me a straightening iron & a couple of beers to deal with these situations, and i just may cope.

so what about karma? (let's ask dictionary.com)

1.

Hinduism, Buddhism . action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti ( def. 1 ) , jnana.

2.

Theosophy . the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

3.

fate; destiny.

4.

the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someoneor something.

i truly live by the ideology of karma, but not for the next life. my main concern is today, tomorrow, 6 months from now!  the old rule of 3, which is another interpretation. what you choose to do will come back 3 fold...good or bad. basically, do unto others...the golden rule...wow, funny how all these spiritual wisdoms intertwine. i try to use my super hero powers for good, but i also touch the stove knowing it's hot.
so where does this leave me? i chalk everything up to experiences, life lessons, what have you. i have played with fire...flirted with disaster...treated folks the way that i would want to be treated. sometimes i've been burned no matter what i did. however, the result has always been recognizing the joys right in front of me a little bit more. the ultimate prizes along this journey. sure the universe pees in my cornflakes from time to time. it keeps me on my toes. even shows me another path...new people...new experiences. & isn't this essentially the big picture?

 

soundtrack

i have always been a huge music nerd! i love it. i just always remember it being the backdrop for every stage in my life. it's like my security blanket...drug of choice (if you will). i can recall the best/saddest/most life altering moments just by the first few notes of a song. & in those lyrics, time stands still for an instant & i am transported to that time. it's crazy how the song remembers. my parents are definitely to blame. we didn't have much, but music was there...family friend. (but that's another story for another day.)
i often think about the movie of my life...don't ask why, just go with it! what would my soundtrack be? there's a lot to choose from, as i've never limited myself to a particular genre (again mom & pops...somewhat opposite ends of the spectrum & i am the happy medium in-between). so i gave myself a timed test...i enjoy amusing myself...i do actually have other things going on in my life, btw. listen, i could ponder this for freaking ever & it would consume me; sad but true! so, i started jotting the first meaningful songs that popped in my head, & here's what i came up with. hey, maybe one of the following will remind you of a time...ya never know.

the beginning...or records worn slap out:
ode to billie joe...bobbie gentry
cherry cherry...neil diamond
delta dawn...tanya tucker
swingin...john anderson
lucretia macevil...blood, sweat, & tears
beth...kiss
9 to 5...dolly parton
me & little andy...dolly parton
gypsies, tramps, and thieves...cher

i want my mtv:
video killed the radio star...buggles
i love rock n roll...joan jett & the blackhearts
vacation...the go-go's
these dreams...heart (i took nancy & my sister did ann's part)
crazy for you...madonna
venus...bananara
p.y.t...michael jackson
time after time...cyndi lauper
home sweet home...motley crue
thieves like us...new order
rio...duran duran
99 luft balloons...nena
head over heals...tears for fears

"emotional algebra"...or teen angst, first loves, & mixed tapes:
circle...edie brickell & the new bohemians
just like heaven...the cure
nothing compares 2 U...sinead o'connor
waiting room...fugazi
polaroid baby...bratmobile
the scratch...7 year bitch
mallo cup...the lemonheads
wild horses...the sundays
black...pearl jam
west...the millions
rock star...hole
glory box...portishead
bull in the heather...sonic youth
at seventeen...janis ian
silent all these years...tori amos
wish you were here...pink floyd
the most wonderful girl...lords of acid
bombtrack...rage against the machine
laid...james

the one...or let the good times roll (for better or worse):
wouldn't it be nice...the beach boys
1999...prince
(today i met) the boy i'm gonna marry...darlene love
from this moment on...shania twain
joking...indigo girls
tiny dancer...elton john
it's oh so quiet...bjork
add it up...violent femmes
drive...the cars
how soon is now...the smiths

baby goodness (pre & post-pardum):
proud mary...tina turner
case of you...joni mitchell
blitzkrieg bop...the ramones
lullabye (goodnight, my angel)...billy joel
3 is the magic number...blind melon
comin' around again...carly simon
this woman's work...kate bush
hyperballad...bjork
every you, every me...placebo
how i could just kill a man...charlotte sometimes
i'm not okay (i promise)...my chemical romance
cat faces...ugly casanova


new ventures...or to be continued:
first day of my life...bright eyes
i'm yours...jason mraz
this year's love...david grey
the future's so bright i gotta wear shades...timbuk 3
american girl...tom petty & the heartbreakers
32 flavors...ani difranco
that's not my name...the ting tings
new soul...yael naim

big girl panties...

yea, i wear em. why wouldn't i at this point in my life? you see, i've allowed people to run over me; letting others take credit for my ideas/creativity in the past...because "we were a team!" and i am definitely a team player, so i figured it's okay...a little weird & annoying, but that's the way one should act, right? polite & subordinate be it a friendship or workplace? some things don't always add up or make sense, but i really shouldn't ask any questions, yes? WRONG-O! it got to the point where i was doing what i'm supposed to be doing on my end, then waiting...meet ya half way! but i'm a pleaser, so i go a little further & a little bit more and...oh, what the hell, i'll go ahead and finish this project/research/call & remind you! aaand there you have it folks...guess who grew the wheat, rolled the dough, and baked the bread? push over little ash. boy, when that bread is ready though, everybody & their grandma comes a-running!

so i had that "a-ha" moment one day! you know that, why am i so quiet? why don't i speak my mind? why do i continue to work twice as hard to keep these relationships happily intact but it's not being reciprocated? oh, yea...don't burn bridges. where the hell did that come from? damn you moral fiber!!! so, i decided that there are basic guidelines that i could set for myself to alleviate anxiety attacks &/or ridiculous encounters that really were not worth the effort. (simple, yet effective)
1. positive train...hop on if you want friends, but leave your negative nancy persona at the station. everybody has bad days...everybody! it's nice to have someone to vent to, HOWEVER, if all you do is complain & there's absolutely nothing to be glad about...like ever, then i'm leaving ya behind. sorry bout cha!
2. i can't control any insecurities that others have! because isn't that what it almost always boils down to? catty behavior...snarky comments...come on, not my problem. it's nothing personal. i get it...because i've been there, who hasn't? and i realized that it doesn't make me feel better to judge someone else or constantly try to keep up with "the joneses!" it's tiresome...and who's to say that so-and-so has so much going for them. maybe it's an act...no body's life is perfect! trust me, when it clicks that your unhappiness is completely unrelateable to someone who IS happy, you're gonna feel a lot better!
3. i'm pretty sure that i will not please all the people all of the time. i cannot worry about this & it's taken me a long time to be okay with that. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIKE ME!! there, i said it...out loud & it's cool...i will survive.
4. i'm careful to choose my battles...it's a cliche, but it works. i decide what's best for me...not you. if i put something that's actually important on my mental back-burner then guess what? house of freaking cards for ME...not you! see how that works?
5. i never set out to be adversarial...i promise! but i do have a point of view. i don't tend to walk on eggshells (as a rule). that being said, i don't expect anyone to agree with me 100% of the time. how boring would that be? just as i will hear you, i think it's only fair that you return the favor. is that really too much to ask? i say what i mean. mean what i say. there. done! i know, i'm such a rebel...NOT! besides, i have actually learned some things about myself when i'm not the only voice i hear...true story. you should try it!

bust...or bust!

i want BOOBS! alright, let me back up...technically, i have boobs; more than most circa 1992. what i want, to be a tad clearer, are the boobs i used to know so well. even ten years ago boobs would be fine. man, were they great! young & fearless...ready to tackle anything life threw at 'em! and you know, i didn't even appreciate them. isn't that sad? makes me wanna cry, just like all those adolescent boys must have felt back in the day when old boobs used to walk through the door. because slowly, over time they have become sad as well. nothing seems to perk them up anymore; like they're exhausted. sure, i support them the best way i know how. conscientious of colors & delicate materials that would show i care. yep, there's no small fortune too much for my girls. i even let them hang out at parties...get togethers with friends...family functions. but it's just not the same. exercise? mmyea, i don't do that, however i have thought about taking up free weights! (does it count if i think about it?) maybe i should give them a lift...or some silly(cone) new roommates? they might like that! and i personally, would feel better knowing they were rejuvenated & happy. that someday we could run down the beach together with reckless abandon! 

"i carried a watermelon"

intros...completely nerve-racking. i'm sociable enough & definitely not a wallflower, but it's something about meeting one or more persons for the first time. will they like me? do i have eyeliner goop in the corner of my eye? do i have something in my teeth? dammit, knew i shouldn't have tried that spinach dip first...
first impressions...sheesh, that's heavy stuff. i don't want to be overly-friendly & seem fake or stalkerish. i totally can't do cool, so the whole breezy thing would make me seem bored or just plain bitchy.
nooo, instead of being snotty or bored or (god forbid) cool, i immediately turn into "baby!" you know...from 'dirty dancing' when she walks up to the big house where all the hip kids are, & the only thing she can muster is "i carried a watermelon." yep, that would be me. instant dorkiness surfacing at your service...pleeeased to meet cha!
i mean, eventually you will find that i'm that unfiltered, off-the-wall friend that you never even thought you wanted! & i do have plenty of thoughts & randoms to share, but for this moment.right here..."i carried a watermelon!"