resolutions in july...

you've heard of christmas in july? what about resolutions? did you keep any "things i'm gonna do in the new year"...do you remember them? maybe it was to not smoke, drink less, exercise more. i know, me too. what a silly tradition, huh? but there is some goodness in setting goals for yourself. new year's just always finds me making insurmountable, last minute ideals that i know i won't keep. i want to keep them, but i'm never realistically prepared. it's like, all of sudden, pop quiz time...uh, my resolution is to save the world while making more money & rescuing all stray animals. yea, so not much.

fast forward to 7 months later where i'm in serious need of a clean house; a makeover, if you will. oh, & this makeover isn't on the outside. my soul is crying out for a clean slate. i know, it sounds cheesy, but i'm serious here. i need to turn a new leaf & make a break from this emotional rut.

i'm thinking in order to complete such a task, i will keep it simple. average, ordinary stuff. back to basics. goals that i can set, keep, & in turn make my sanity somewhat whole again.

i started writing down things that i needed to accomplish for myself. here's what i came up with. 

1. buy all new undergarments. yep, that's right. i'm not sure about you guys, but for myself, i find that uncomfortable underpants or a binding bra that creates the most fashionable quadra-boob effect has got to go! i'm thinking my days of bending, stooping, reaching, etc would definitely be more productive & less aggravating. & if you're on board, i've got a fire pit with plenty of wood, so have your people call mine.

2. hand written correspondence. what a treat it is to get something in the mail other than bills or ads. i love thank you notes, post cards...& i always love to send them. but, i've gotten out of the habit & so that is definitely something i'd like to get back in the swing of doing. not to mention, my friends & fam group are older now, settled; which equals a lot fewer scratch throughs in the ole address book.

3. hug more. okay, this is probably strange, but you have to understand, i work with the public! & unfortunately in doing so i have allowed that whole "personal space" thing to really resonate with me. sadly, i have little kids want to hug me & i simply don't hug them back like i should. i do the cold, pat-on-the-back thing. but no more! it makes me feel good to get a good squeeze, so i am going to embrace these children like they were my own from now on. & you, with that smirky grin, watch out...i'm coming after you, too!

4. learn to play sonic. the hedgehog, that is. my child is obsessed, but i never play. it's a hubs thing, & no disrespect to the hubs...i just need to practice when no one else is home. you see, i am "allowed" to play mario-cart, but i never had a nintendo or anything as a kid, so i just suck at these type of games. it's a personal thing, don't judge me.

5. organize, organize, organize. i may need a damn chore chart for myself...hell, i don't know. i'm a hot mess, people.

6. treat myself once a month. i adore doing for others (or i simply would not), but i forget ash. so, if it's new perfume or a manicure or a massage; i'm going to find some "me" time. i need this in order to function properly for everyone else...trust me.

7. document through photos. when monkey was teeny, i was a stay-at-home. there wasn't one thing that child didn't do that wasn't photographed. seriously. but that, like everything else, has become an after thought. note to self: good photos only happen if you remember the camera!

8. practice my french. oui. i used to be quite fluent...a hundred years ago, but still. i hate the fact that i spent so much time learning a beautiful language only to lose it. insert audio cds here (from my local library...*wink, wink)

9. end each day on a positive note. even though i hate ending on an odd number, this is probably the most important for my peace of mind. out of all the craziness that consumes my days, i know i can find one good thing to end it with. why lose sleep over crap i simply cannot change? plus, i have tons to be thankful for; loved ones right in my sight before bed, a lovely life at the end of the day. it's a shame that i have to remind myself of that some times.

rainy days & tuesdays...

sweet, lovely rain. crazy, sideways rain. non-humid, soothing rain.

i so needed this today. & besides not being under a tin roof, it was darn near perfect. i had no errands, no 6 year old wanting to play or wanting me to "watch this." nope...i had the option of complete & utter chill time. so, what did i do? think....that's what. ugh. i didn't want to have to do that this afternoon. i am still nursing an awesome summer cold & all i wanted to do was nap. but, the wheels were spinning & this is just a few of the wise & profound thoughts that interrupted my zen-like window of opportunity.

• i shouldn't care if people "like" me or not. but, it's nice for those that i love to remind me once in awhile.
• why is there so much drama in preparing for a vacation? i mean, it should be a happy, exciting time, right?
• i really like the sound of maracas. ooh, & a tambourine.
• it's a little strange to have a big bright sun amidst a huge storm.
• i'm in the mood to color.
• should i cut my bangs?
• you ever worn underwear that was such a literal pain in the ass, that you wanted to rip them off & burn them?
• it would be fun to own colored contacts, but i cannot stand something in my eye.
• i love blankets. my monkey loves blankets. monkey has stolen all of my blankets.
• i don't feel like cooking dinner, even though i totally went to the store yesterday.
• my co-worker gave me a dove bar this morning. i am going to eat that right now.
• so excited about shark week. however, it always comes on the week before my family goes to the beach. every freaking year!
• my motivation needs a jump start.
• watching the news gets more & more depressing.
• is there even such a thing as a decent tasting cough drop?
• it is so much easier to relax during a heavy rain storm now that the stupid tree is gone.
• i would love to get a pedicure, but i know that those ladies are gonna be talking about how bad my feet look. & i won't be able to understand them.
• have i always been this paranoid?
• will i ever find a 4 leaf clover?
• geez, what wouldn't i do for a klondike bar? (within legal & sensible limits, of course.)
• did i remember to put on deodorant this morning?

"see a female colossus"...

few people know that the hubs is a fantastic artist. his subjects of choice are gorgeous ladies…like classic pin-up meets comic book meets femme fatales. when he’s not playing video games in the evenings, after we've put the monkey to bed, he’s drawing away. now, i know what some of you are probably thinking…’half naked ladies? video games?’ yep, that’s right, that’s how he rolls. & he’s home at night enjoying these past times, not out collecting stripper glitter on his clothes or getting sauced at a local bar. & so, dear readers, i am totally cool with this. (i mean, i’m either writing or involved with some reality show nonsense anyways, so this works for us.)

his pictures are always beautiful (i’m totally biased, but seriously!) but i often wonder…hmm, who are these girls? he says that they’re basically the same girl, just in different settings. & i love to creep up behind him & say “is that me? i look great!” & like any good hubs, he’ll say “it IS you.” (aww, such a sweet little liar.)

now, i would be totally lying if i said that i wasn’t just the teensiest jealous of these mademoiselles. i want to be a super vixen too. little did i know that all i had to do was ask. awesome, yes! i’m gonna be immortalized…omg, is this a good thing?! how would he see me? he’s amazing at what he does, but would i look like myself? & the even bigger question…who would i be? you see, i had never really thought about it until i asked, “can you make me into a super cool chick?” & he said “yes. whoever you want?”

do i want to be a superhero? i’ve always loved wonder woman! who doesn’t want to be her? (hell, i would settle for linda carter!) you know, i had wonder woman underoos when i was little…i think there’s a picture floating around somewhere. but, back to the story at hand…oh yea, who do i want to be? do i want to wield weapons, sport garters…lay on a (faux) tiger skin rug? & then like a freaking thunder bolt, it hit me!

there’s this story of a woman totally relateable to me in the real world (minus the shiesty husband & alien interaction)…misunderstood, drinker, a little on the crazy side…people have a tendency to be scared of her; well, when she’s 50 feet tall, that is. YES! my brain automatically went to nancy archer & ‘attack of the 50 ft woman.’

i wondered if this was feasible. could i pose for a picture & then the hubs would turn me into this iconic image with pen & tablet?

let me just say, i was really nervous, but the final result took my breath away. yay, i was so excited. excited enough to share. so without further ado…attack of the 50 ft ash. 

yea, you better run little people!

more randomly randoms...

at my imaginary dinner party with people either dead or alive, i’m thinking farley & mae west really hit it off.

i wonder what dirt would be dug up on me if ever i were to run for office.

i like to think of myself as a giver & not a taker. i secretly want to take, but i hate asking for stuff.

i think it’s kind of cruel to dye animals hair, but would love to have a pink sybil cat.

i want my own action figure.

if oil of olay & mr bubble had a baby, i would adopt it.

why am i still watching cartoons 30 minutes after monkey has left the room?

what is courtney love up to these days?

i have this late night love affair with the food network, which leads to cooking dreams, & i wake up freaking hungry.

i’m really happy that super huge, obnoxious jewelry is back.

my alter ego is a lounge singer in france.

tanning beds terrify me.

deep down…i’d be content with an “LA face & an oakland booty.”

why is it the more channels you have, the less there is to watch on tv? or there’s 5 different things on at the same time?

why does it take so long for the hubs & i to decide on takeout?

i love wearing hats & ginormous sunglasses.

at some point, i’m going to have a farm chocked full of farm-like things.

dress codes are so outdated. no capris? no problem!

i have about a bazillion almost finished projects…my guest bedroom is a major one. (don’t open that door!)

i can pig out on twizzlers & gummy bears over cake or pie any day!

perhaps i’d be more charming if i had an accent? oh, wait, i do & i am!

out of the mouths of babes…

dubbed “the mouth of the south” by his dad (the hubs), my monkey child has always been talking or singing for as long as i can remember. okay, so for as long as he could talk or sing; just stay with me on this. & he’s always been funny & sweet & very kind. i’d like to take complete credit for that, but to be fair, i’ll just own the funny…& sweet & very kind. (ha!)

it’s a riot to think that we, the adoring parents, once longed for the day when our baby would start talking. now, that’s all he does; sun up to sun down. mr. chatter box. the child who has known the words to ‘du hast’ by rammstein & (better yet) ‘jihad’ by slayer since he was 2. he sings every commercial, show opening sequence, song, & runs that little mouth like it was his job. (gee, that sounds awfully familiar!)

of course, anyone who has kiddies or is around them on a regular know that they are absolute sponges. just when you think you’re whispering low enough or spelling it out (which really only works until like 4…5 if you’re lucky) or hell, using sign language…they know, people. o-o-oh, they get it. that being said, when certain expressions roll off his tongue, i’m not too terribly surprised. but then there are the infamous sayings & monkey-isms that i have no idea of origin. television, school? (not blaming society, but you know.) friends, grands? no matter the source, it is hysterical every time & when i laugh, i get this serious “what?” look. he is a silly little boy, but then again, his dedication & story telling deserves a serious face…i’m working on that!

oh, goodness, the stuff that comes out his mouth…here are a few of my faves for you to enjoy. (see if you detect some “ash” in there.)

and most of all… (every story usually starts with this one.) 

$25.99? that’s highway robbery! 

we need a fly swatter…those guys are crafty. 

i like you in a dress…you look soft. 

hey, what’dya want? i'm a just a kid! 

ah, crap! 

are you freaking serious? 

i come towards you, but then i sike you out. hahaha…slingshot. 

look, there’s a storm coming…but we’re in the yellow, so we’re okay. 

stop tickling me…are you gonna tickle me? 

i don’t think i’m old enough to try that, i’ll try it when i’m 7. 

that’s smoking hot, but not hot like i’m in love. 

dad’s home…HIDE! 

i think i see blood. see that dot? yep, i need a band-aid. 

i’m not a dork…you’re a dork. 

ooh, you said stu-pid & that’s a bad wooord. 

the light’s green, morons! 

shake my booty. shake it, shake it. 

oh, great! are you gonna put that in the facebook? 

omg, mom, i’m like a 1^st grader. 

are you sad because i’m growing? are you gonna cry again? 

shoot, i mean shit…wait…(laughter) 

i know she said she wasn’t my girlfriend last time, but i have a good feeling about today. 

i’m going to bed late. it’s already the middle of night. 

looks like a tarantula…can we keep it? 

we’re just a cornucopia of bumps & boo boos. 

i know you don’t want to hear this, buuut… 

*favorite conversation of all time went something like this…

   

mom, there’s an oviparous animal in the screen room! can you get him?

me:  huh? a what?

you know, a spider? he’s on the ceiling & if he lays eggs, we could have up to 2,000 spider babies in the house. 

& no matter your political views, this should make you giggle.

mr obama won, mommy! we don’t have to move to canada! (age 4)

the things your momma didn't tell you...

there are an awful lot of pregnant ladies & new babies lately in my world. sweet & wonderful & beautiful. always. i remember anticipating that big day. feeling scared, nervous, excited; the entire gamut of emotions. but most of all, what i felt was prepared. or, as prepared as i was going to feel. thankfully, there are so many resources out there for the new mom-in-waiting, & of course, all the unsolicited input from mothers, grandmothers, coworkers, the lady behind you in line at the grocery store, etc. yep, everything you need to know…until you get home & you realize, a whole mess of shiz was left out!

omg, really?! really! for me, the day monkey came into my life was truly the best to date. i had made this amazing little creature (the hubs helped a bit) & it was incredible. no book could describe that feeling. & also, there were a few other things that were sort of missed in translation.

not to terrify, but possibly to help. here are a few things i learned on my own.

•    super dopey! monkey was 9 days post. went in on a sunday to induce…gave birth a la section on monday (after 13 hours of trying the old fashioned way) the lovely cocktail of meds helped me to remember no one who came to visit.
•    nursing? you hold him (half asleep) like a football! my football coach, er lactation specialist, kept fussing at me. “no, you’re doing it wrong! you gotta shove it in there!” thanks for the haunting flashbacks, ray of sunshine.
•        no idea that sanitary pads could double as a protection from the nearby dam, should it bust & flood. i feel safe in knowing that recently pregnant women could stop a disaster with take homes from the hospital.
•       who knew that boobs that reached maximum density during prego-ness (32 triple F) would get even bigger once the milk fell. & then on top of all of that fun, nipples would invert…ahh, good times!
•       i had read somewhere to pack your 5 month maternity size clothing to wear home from the hospital. what i didn’t know is that i would wear those clothes until my child was 6 months old.
•       ever had someone reach over to rub your belly with a baby in the stroller? oh, & you weren’t pregnant? ever have to stop yourself & think ‘i do not want to be arrested for assault in lowe’s with a baby in the stroller?’
•       i thought nursing was going to be the most natural thing ever…haha…ha…ha! (oh, my side hurts!) those first two to four weeks require kleenex & a support group! (but hang in there, mommas! it's worth it, for reals!)
•       i had no idea that my family would look at me like i had a 3^rd eye because i nursed. that it would inconvenience everyone! (thank you a.l. for being said support group!)
•       sleep & showers are not to be taken for granted…they are a luxury & not a necessity.  i remember resenting the crap out of the hubs for having somewhere to go; a break. who cares that it was work…he lived the good life. work, dinner, shower, sleep…he had to die! oh, wait, where was i?
•       i never thought that my hormones & mood swings would be off the charts after the fact. hubs wanted to return to work on many an occasion…pfft, lightweight!
•       i didn’t realize the dog & i would be crazy, high strung girls together over people with “the baby.” we made a good team, delia…r.i.p.
•       much like a b-rated science fiction movie, everything would expand, droop, & ripple…& never return to place. other than boobs, my hands grew, my feet. what looked like bread baking out of my shoes was really just my shoe size going up. enter the film of my life, ‘it came from the womb’…where one tiny baby would turn its mother into the sequel to ‘the blob.’ thrills! chills! oh, the humanity! 

i’ve never regretted anything with my pregnancy (it was great) or what would follow. i have a precious monkey side kick who is my world. & all these revelations that i made through the journey of new mommy hood were surprises that made me stronger. it may have been discouraging at the time, but it’s absolutely hilarious to me now…the pros definitely outweighed the cons, & without those crazy cons, it probably would’ve been boring, right?! i’m gonna keep telling myself that…

a dirty little secret...

diet…di-et…ever noticed that the word ‘die’ is right there? i have. many times i’ve stared at this word. maybe because it occurred to me one day, but something deeper is rooted in this word for me. & because there came a day when i didn’t want to die-t anymore; let’s just say addictions “die” hard.

guilty as sin times 10. but this word is part of my life, my childhood. & although this isn’t a slanderous jab at my mother in any way (swear to all that is holy), she has a lot to do with this fascination, nay infatuation.

as long as can remember, my mother dieted. grapefruit, cabbage, slim fast…did you buy the meals at the jenny craig or weight watchers store fronts back in the day? hell, who cares. if there was a fad or systematic weight loss gimmick, she was there. (let’s go ahead & factor in the fact that i never knew my mother to be over a size 6 pants at 5”2’ for virtually my entire adolescent life!) my cute little petite mom, who was so striking (still to this day) with flawless skin. always tan (naturally)…always getting attention from everyone; never feeling comfortable in her own skin. yoga, aerobics/cardio…so you have a gym membership you want to sell? she was your gal.

and i always wanted to be like her, so as she was constantly obsessing about her weight, looks, the perfect make-up…something rubbed off. am I delusional? am i the only little girl who felt this way? of course, i want  her to be the best her, but at what cost of normalcy? she didn’t have the best possible life, my mom. no one ever wanted her to be the prettiest or most successful during her childhood. but that need was under her surface. acceptance, love? something. & does that trickle down from parent to child? yes, yes it does.

having been skinny, even scrawny, as a kid, i was used to names like “chicken legs,” “boney butt,” or my favorite “ashley turkey.” (maiden name tucker…kids are so clever!) but no biggie, because i was a natural born dork in school & was the first to make fun of myself…better laugh with than at. (that was the idea, anyways.)

then it happened…adolescence…duhn-duhn-duhnnnn! legs & arms still sticks, no heiny or hips, but mother nature is hilarious, so my boobs went from in-training to teaching class, overnight. seriously!  & also, i had this, what was referred to as a, “pooch” belly. which, of course, i look back now & shake my head. (cause i totally didn’t.) but, i remember at a school dance in 9^th grade, i wore this empire waist babydoll dress & this guy was all “are you pregnant? hahaha…” & yes, i remember his name & no, i’ll never tell.

first of all, no matter what size a child/teenager/young person is, don’t ever nitpick, people. criticisms & comments, especially about the body, are not taken lightly. for me, i felt like i was some oddity. after a while, the bad stuff is so much easier to believe than the good & poof, the freaking damage is done!  

i would hear weight & diet talk at home & then, the social awareness would be all over the place. welcome to high school. just a few suggestions from friend to friend…

cigarettes will curb one’s appetite, that’s how so & so’s mom keeps thin. saltine crackers & water have like, no calories. chew food slowly…to fill up faster. diet pills are awesome. plus, if you drink diet soda, you can have all this energy & being hyper is so fun! if you feel really full & guilty, you can just throw up! use your finger or a toothbrush. (ever so nonchalantly!) this helps when people monitor your eating, too. people are so nosy!

so, unfortunately, i have tried all these “great” ways to lose some pounds. sad, ain’t it?! i mean, it’s never sounded as crazy to me as it does right at this moment! & the truly sick thing is that most of this advice would follow me into adulthood.

my weight has always yo-yo’d. i was actually healthy (mind & body) when i graduated in 1995 from high school. by college, i felt chunky again. freshman 15? when i would marry the hubs in 1999, i would weigh a whopping 103 pounds at 5’7”. then, slowly climb from a size 1/2 to 3/4 & eventually an 8 when I got pregnant in 2004. with monkey, i would gain 65 pounds. (which i was totally fine with until my baby weighed 8 pounds & not the 35 that i was banking on.)

that’s just how it is with me, with everyone right?! someone please be nodding your head 'yes' out there! i do know that i eat as good as i can, i don’t obsess over calories anymore, i am slowly getting back into exercise after a stretch of time moping about knee pain & missing roller derby, & i do still smoke (which is not good…i read that somewhere). for me, food is not necessarily my addiction. i think it’s still in my head to be a certain size. & then there’s that little number on my pants. i have cut most of those “little” numbers out, so that i don’t see a size at all. & i know that some will say “she’s not even big or fat. what is her problem?” i think weight affects a lot of people! whether you’ve always been small or big or whatever. it’s not even about that, really. my issue is with how i feel when i look in the mirror…my happiness with myself. being comfortable in my own skin; like mother, like daughter. i still hear about diets & little digs at weight gain/loss, but i am older now & can block it out much better. (now, it's just annoying!) 

so, there it is...my dirty little secret out on the laundry line to air. road to mental recovery? in the meantime, i stumbled upon this awesome quote by henry david thoreau:

“…be yourself-not your idea of what you think somebody else’s idea of yourself should be.”