weekend from hell...

i was a bridesmaid in a wedding several years ago. the bride & i were friends at the time, but were starting that “growing apart” process. i guess she included me since i had agreed to fill the same position a previous time before; that particular union never made it to fruition, obviously. but i digress…

the weekend had already started off a little rocky. it was an out of town location, i was still nursing with the babe & hubs in toe, & my dress didn’t fit correctly (i was still suffering from post pardum, so the fact that i was 45 lbs overweight was a killah). plus, all the other ladies in the party snubbed the crap out of me.  oh, & my hair was on strike that week…i do remember that! but, when i commit to something & say “i’ll be there,” then well, i’ll be there.

now, i have always been me…which is a good thing & a bad thing. i usually mesh well with everyone, but some people just don’t get ole ash. either they’re very serious or have no sense of humor, so when i say something sarcastic or as a means of a tension breaker, i just get “the look!” being the good sport that i am, i roll with the punches & when i see a break, i run like hell!

i received said “look” several times that special weekend…it was awesome! i’ve mentioned before that the filtration between my brain & my mouth is constantly under construction. i never say things intended to be rude or critical or insensitive, however, i do forget where i am at times & who i’m around. & certain places, people, & things are breeding grounds for my inevitable verbal diarrhea. hence, “the look!”

friday night:  the rehearsal dinner

your average run of the mill rehearsal. you…walk here. you…go there. pretty normal. along with the normality of the wild & crazy ring boy who slung the hell out of that pillow. the pillow, which i made special for the bride using an old handkerchief that i’d gotten from her grandmother (real sweet lady, btw…not! she decided that she didn’t care for me the moment i met her.) anyways, i had kind of nudged her & said “hey, that’s actually an heirloom i got from your grandma that makes up the case of the ring pillow, so you might wanna get him to be a little more delicate or maybe just not ‘practice’ with it.” (smile) to which i believe the response was kind of like, “oh…ok” (with a look of “uh, ok…whatever!”)

after everyone got an idea of the lowdown on the showdown, a precession to the restaurant ensued. the place was nice & pretentious & all that wedding goodness. the ‘we’re regular people, but we want you to think that we’re better than regular people, & actually roll like this all the time’ kind of place. the food was your typical low country cuisine with an emphasis on whatever & grits. thank goodness i eat fish…because i was already about to be the problem child in the group; i just didn’t know it yet.

we were seated with the “other” married couples because we’d have something in common? meanwhile, they were all like 12 & had only been married at most, a year! oh, wait…one of the couples had a baby too, so maybe they had been married over a year. & there was the other common thread to the seating chart perhaps, except they had left their under one at home with the grands. it was the single most boring dinner i’ve ever sat through in my life. me! even i could not enjoy it…& there was food & everything.  ps…back at the hotel, i was sick as a dog. omen? you tell me...

saturday:  the big event

morning time was super. breakfast & brief beach time (monkey's first) with the boys before i had to head out to meet fellow bridesmaids for a pedicure per our bridal gift. of course, i was late. we were meeting during a nursing time (which was an okay arrangement when it was mentioned at an earlier time.) then, i got lost. some times this can happen when you’re in a strange place, have wonky directions, & no gps (that technological marvel came into my life later on). but i made it! so, i’m sitting in the massage chair, without acknowledgement by anyone, except the pedi lady. the dress, that i would later snake myself into, was lavender. i was presented with 3 different shades. “what do you want?”…”oh, i like that shade, thanks.” (stare from lady) “what you want me to do?”…”oh, um, maybe french manicure? with a purple tip?” (happy face from lady) good choice, i thought. fast forward to 10-15 minutes later…bad choice. apparently, this decision cost the bride extra, i think. i mean, all i knew was that there was a lot of whispering & everyone was checking out my different toes with looks of disgust. great!

i drove back to the hotel, picked up my stuff & the hubs dropped me off at the venue to get ready. so there i am, praying to everything holy to get through the next few hours under the radar. not gonna happen…did not happen.

i enter the dressing room to the tiny, long-legged, nouveau riche sorority of bridesmaids with my 10...12…size 14 dress (which required paint thinner to remove) & my hot rollers. my very old hot rollers. i was a class act, people. let’s get this party started! i was met by smiles because as you know, we are southern ladies after all. but looking back, those may have been smirks after checking out my rad vintage box o curlers. who the hell knows.

let the humiliation begin...first, i inquired about one of the bride’s friends…would she be coming & was that her girlfriend at the last bridal shower with her, etc. oh, what did i say? you would have thought that i yelled “fuck” really loud without any reason. you could have heard a pin drop. the looks that i got were like daggers. how dare i insinuate…what did i mean by…why would i say something like…et cetera, et cetera! really?! sorry, i actually thought they were a couple. you see, in my world, this is not an odd question. but that wasn’t even the good part! imagine that. i managed to roll my hair & do my own (god forbid) makeup off in a corner, when a thought occurred to me. i will make a neat connection with the bride, who is my friend. & she's been so busy, so this will be "our" moment. now, this would have been the perfect time for the filtration system to be activated, but no, not so much. i made my way to the bride-to-be & softly asked (knowing her father had passed many years before hand) “are you saving a special seat for your dad up front?” (because some people do that, dammit.) and the reply was, very loudly, in front of everyone…wait for it…”my dad is dead!!” & it hit me again, “the look!” omg, i felt like crawling in a freaking hole. it was bad, it was really bad!

so, i suffered through pictures. caught a glimpse of the hubs & baby…oh, thank goodness. & managed to smile through the ceremony. it really was a beautiful wedding, but what was more gorgeous was seeing the familiar friendly faces of ladies that had made the trip. the ones who knew my unfiltered, foot in mouth self & still managed to love me. & also, it was time to drink!! c’mon, don’t judge me! pump & dump, folks…pump & dump!

i don’t remember much after that, other than being glad to come home where i could be myself. not in a corner, not getting "the look," just me. finally, the normalcy of acceptance!       

i can’t remember the last time i spoke with the bride, & i never told her how awful that weekend was for me. i figure, if she had a blast & it was her most special day, then that’s all that really matters, right?!

i always wanted to...

anybody remember that game ‘i never?’ where you & a few friends or acquaintances or whomever are at a party & every time someone says ‘i never…’ &  you have, you drink?   

*for example, “i never slept with a boss for a raise.” all eyes quickly scan the room to see who’s going for their drink! okay, just an example, but you totally know what i’m talking about.

these games usually end up revolving around sex…almost 98.999% of the time, okay probably more, but i remember people saying things like ‘never performed on a stage’ or ‘never drove cross country,’ etc. these are the ‘nevers’ that i wanted to slug one back to. exciting or risky or completely irreverent, but worth every impulsive choice! even if only for the memories.

we all have woulda coulda shouldas…& i know that some opportunities or possibilities may be gone…finite-o, for obvious reasons (relationships, children, careers). but, what about the ideas that aren’t completely off the table. they’re just shoved deep in the back of the noggin…not even on the back burner, mainly under it, but still alive somewhere?

i’m 34 years old with a mountain of i always wanted to…but one thing at the very top of my list is comedienne! i absolutely love funny things, funny people, & making other people laugh. i grew up especially admiring women in comedy…Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball & later on, all of the SNL ladies!! i would jump at the chance to walk on to the set of ‘saturday night live’ & audition in a heartbeat. even if it just ended in crickets! 

i had a sneaking suspicion that i wasn’t the only gal out there with a secret “want!” and after a little asking around, my guess was more than accurate. so, in no particular order, i present “i always wanted to…”

*32 years old…”i had a dream.  it was to drive the oscar mayer wienermobile.  i had aspirations coming out of college.  i still dream about what could have been, but alas, i was never chosen to sit behind the wheel & travel the roads as a wiener girl.”

*30 years old…”i’ve always wanted to get a hot pink beach cruiser and ride around with streamers, aviator goggles and a cape with a giant ‘S’ on it.  yep, that’s never worn off… I’ve worn the hubby down to where he’d be ok with it, he just wants to ride far behind and video tape it…maybe i can get someone to make up a theme song i can blast as i’m pedaling through down town! other than that, i’m still waiting on HGTV to ask me to collaborate on some of their shows. every time i finish a project and think that right about now would be a good time for this to happen, i look up and some millionaire with too much time on his hands is writing ‘Jesus Loves You’ in the sky with his little plane. maybe Jesus just isn’t a fan of HGTV.”

*40 years old…”i always wanted to be a stripper at one of those high end places. that was when i was skinny & could pole dance…lol!”

*28 years old…”my list could go on forever! i always wanted to write an autobiography, but procrastination usually gets in the way. maybe i just haven't collected all my info yet.” 

*40 years old…”mom of 2 with 3 step-kids & 5 grand kids...married, well, my whole life it seems!!! which brings me to what i always wanted to do. i wish i would had been that ‘Head Cheerleader’ that everyone hated in HS...the popular, fun girl who got caught kissing the quarterback behind the bleachers, going to underage drinking parties with all the popular kids, *gasp* losing my virginity on Prom night in the back seat of a hot convertible at ‘Lookout Point.’ then, instead of marrying the very first man i fell in love with, i wish i would’ve gone to college, partied hardy...maybe drove across the country ‘sowing my WILD oates’ as they say. sometimes i feel like i haven't had the chance to REALLY LIVE...party, be slut-ish....before FINALLY settling down and having babies....turning into June Cleaver without ever having had the chance to be Marilyn Monroe.”

*29 years old…”i always wanted to be able to skateboard on a vert ramp. it hasn't happened yet, but still tangible. maybe this is my year!”

*32 years old…”have sex doggie style, but now i have hemorrhoids from pushing out a baby and am too afraid that the guy will look at my asshole.”

*32 years old…”wish i was more self-confident. i think i could go further in life if i weren't so busy worried that other people weren't thinking well of me. if i could just go forward, confident in myself and my decisions, i think i'd be a little less timid.”

*35 years old…”i’ve always wanted to be a private eye. and be invisible.”

see…i knew it! & it’s not that a secret dream or want or a what could have happened means we’re all living with regret or we aren’t totally content with our lives & who we are! I know people will say, “oh, i do whatever i want.” great…so do i! totally not what this is about. i love the fact that almost every single response to my inquiring mind is totally feasible. Maybe not this week, this month, this year, but wow, pretty cool to know that an “always wanted to” is still do-able. even if a little tweaking to represent present time is needed. heck, gives me hope anyway!

oh, & age 30…of course Jesus loves HGTV. i mean, he was a carpenter, right?!

randomly random...

people seldom come through for me, so when they do it’s both pleasantly surprising & very much appreciated.

little old men who sell fresh produce on the side of the road make me happy.

i think puppy breath & a newborn’s little head are two of the sweetest smells on the planet.

pink is still my favorite color.

i sing & dance while i cook dinner.

i dream every single night.

one of my greatest accomplishments to date is my monkey child! i mean, dang, i made a human…how cool is that?!

i have a secret list of things i want to do before age 40. (some have actually been marked off.)

i hated being a girl scout.

i love the food network.

i will attempt something out of spite if someone says I can’t or shouldn’t.

one of the most romantic things the hubs can say…”there’s gas in the car.”

i adore old movies.

i wish i’d had more time to know my brother better.

i think blue eye shadow is fun!

i’ve always loved old things, & definitely believe that ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.’

i want to return to the days of handwritten notes to loved ones.

i always throw spilled salt over my left shoulder.

i enjoy board & card games.

my secret ingredient is always love! (& some times panko!)

fresh tomatoes & cucumbers in vinegar are my summertime staples.

i would rather be over-dressed than under-dressed.

music makes the world go round…my world anyways.

channeling fraulein maria...

ahh, my fave-o-rite things...so simple, yet so delicious! i eat them up with each passing stressful, how did i get here?, 'fml' day...or in the south "sop 'em up with a big ole biscuit!"  precious little things that need not take for granted.

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

1.  monkey business...anytime, all the time! he is my light, my joy! the best friend that i always wanted! nothing this little monster can't do. he makes me giggle, my heart smile. oh, how i feel sorry for the lady-love much, much later in his life. (nah, i won't be that mom!) but in the meantime, "party on, wayne!"..."party on, garth!"

bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...

2.  comforts of home. i know, everyone enjoys the finality of that comfy couch at the end of the day, but around here...we really leave our mark.  

cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels...

3.  cupcakes! cupcakes! cupcakes! & for absolutely no reason at all. the "designer" ones are cute, but where's the fun in that?  homemade (secret ingredient is love) yum-yum goodies are the best! 

girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes...

4. date night!!  be spontaneous (because the 6 year old says "i wanna stay at memaw's tonight!") or planned says the man...sushi? but, of course! date night is always a much needed, much appreciated night. "hey, how are you?" (besides work & monkey & do we want to replace/paint/build on to...) love the date night with the hottest guy i know. the guy i trust with more than just my finances...i trust him with my heart! & although our convos & interests should be exhausted, i'm still discovering new things about him. hope he feels the same...fingers crossed!

silver white winters that melt into springs...

5.  nature...yea, i know, never camped in my life. it's something about being outdoors though. i find my little girl spirit when i spot a funky bug. totally captivated by a wicked plant..."feed me, seymour!" want to plant some goodness when the warm breeze hits. wow, brings out this explorer of all things good & organic. i want to get my feet dirty...my hands blistered...my soul buzzing! i know, i'm a sap-a-saurus rex!!

   

just call me murphy...

you know that old fun quote...

anything that can go wrong, will go wrong

or murphy's law? yep, that's me.  it's my mantra, my calling...it should be tattooed somewhere on my body. right on my butt, maybe...i don't have one there. 

now i know that goofy things happen to everyone, but believe me when i say, i am special!  here are some examples for your enjoyment!

• i am the girl who steps in gum. 
• who spills coffee all over my white top as i'm walking in the door at work. 
• who breaks the last cigarette in the pack or lights the wrong end of the "lucky," just when i need the nic the most.
• who manages to break the same toe 3 times. (first initial break was at work...dropped a book on it perfectly...at the library!)
• i have locked myself out of my house more than a few times.
• i say the wrong thing all the time...my filtration is still a work in progress.
• i have the worst underwear in the world...wedgies heart me.
• my knee will go out when i'm wearing my cutest heels. then i get to limp around a bit, & give that ever so elegant "i can't walk in heels" look...which we all know is so becoming.
• i'm not a rumor spreader because if i repeated or said something about somebody, they'd be standing right freaking behind me.
• i taped over my wedding video with Olympic ice skating. oh, yea...it was the only copy!
• i don't even carry an umbrella anymore. the last one i had inverted on me...in a hellacious storm (naturally.)
• the one day i forget to wear bra shields (while nursing), someone else's baby cries & i lactate everywhere...i couldn't go into 'target' for a week!
• i was hurrying to get to class one day & half my skirt was tucked into my tights. that was a super fun moment. thank goodness for black tights!
• i run out of gas, like it's my job. every time i pull into the carpool line, i hear "ding, ding"...low fuel...woot! 
• my magnetism to doors, tables, or any run-of-the mill reminder of funny bones & shins is amazing. i double as entertainment around my house on a daily.
• the words power & tools make people who know me nervous when used in the same sentence.
• i always...i repeat, ALWAYS get the absolute worse grocery cart at the supermarket. not the one with the squeaky wheel that will quieten down as it gets full. no, i'm referring to the one that has a piece of candy or a rock hard mass of grossness on one of the wheels. it thumps & knocks so loudly that i'm just "whatever!" oh, & it squeaks too.

i know that are tons more to report on this matter, but i'm starting to bum myself out. HA! no, i'm totally used to my little wonky curse. when i have these crazy, inevitable moments i just shake my head & giggle.  & i'm not dangerous to any one around me, just to myself. so don't be scared of me. it's actually quite comical at times...just ask the hubs!

and the blue ribbon goes to...

i’m not sure when the dynamic of my family changed, but it is a subject that is constantly being brought up. if you have shitty friends (condescending, negative, critical, etc), it can be hard, but you can slowly detach from them until eventually “poof,” they’re out of your life. family is much more complicated. i’ve never been super close to my extended family; aunts & uncles, cousins, grandparents, but there was always a presence of some sort throughout my life. holidays were big with packing up the car & driving a 100 miles for a day of catch up. i used to think i had a friendship with most cousins…out of 14 from one whole side, i speak to one as an adult…one! & she is still a ray of sunshine! in the same breath, i will attest that i also felt a mutual love from all the members of my family. an immense admiration as a child for 2 uncles in particular. but (sigh), children grow up…true colors expose themselves…heroes turn out to be real people…hearts are broken.

since the death of the one grandpa (who we saw the most even though my favorite lived a few towns away) several years back , the split has gradually gotten bigger. personal opinions rear their ugly heads & small battles have popped out from years of “unpaid” favors, petty remarks, & suppressed resentments.  now the closeness is mostly geographical of 3 aunts & an uncle whose name shall remain un-uttered. you know, like ‘voldemort’ of the ‘harry potter’ series. bad news! after much verbal & emotional abuse, i am happy to say i have the courage now to stay the hell away.

out the aunts, there is one whom i adore, one i take with a grain of salt, & one who i avoid all together if i can. she is truly venomous. miserable, nasty…the “victim!” & i am truly one of her favorite targets. she is so pleasant to my face, but a snake behind my back. it doesn’t matter what supposed ammo i give her; something i’ve worn, something i’ve said. i have never done anything to this woman. & if she hates me so much, do i really owe her anything because she’s “family?”

so, how am I privy to the smack talk, you ask? oh, my mother feels it is her duty to keep me informed. whatever. if someone is criticizing me or saying ugly things & you are not going to defend me, i do not want to know about it. if you’re wondering…would she want me to tell her that this was said? no…the answer is always NO! can i continue living my life without unnecessary or slanderous info? yes, please…much happier, thanks!

it’s funny. i’m a 34 year old who gets the importance of love & being surrounded by the people & things i love! i didn’t have a silver spoon fed childhood; some days were wonderful, some days were super tough. but I refuse to be a victim or make my insecurities someone else's issue. i’ve never felt that i shouldn’t or couldn’t change any world that my child would know or be a part of in his own home…with his family. i try really hard to keep chins up & happy faces in every aspect of his childhood. i will do anything to prevent him from knowing any kind of silly drama! if this means cutting ties with, god forbid, family…so be it. seriously! & at the end of the day, i’m okay with that (even though my guilt tends to get the better of me at times). plus, i have a supportive & takes no crap sister that knows exactly where i’m coming from & who is raising her daughter the same way. hey, at least that’s two that are breaking the cycle of madness…you’re welcome, world!

so, thanks again for sitting in on a therapy session. & no, i don’t expect a blue ribbon. not when everyone has some amount of dysfunction within their own family, immediate or extended. having crazy ass relatives is like the new black these days; everybody’s wearing it! but really, can I at least get an honorable mention?