"go together like a horse & carriage"...

it's springtime, & tis the season of the wedding! besides the fall, it is probably the most favorable time for a bride to marry the man of her dreams. there's nothing like the feeling of love & romantic interludes & sweet nothings. i like describing that new love feeling as the best natural high; kind of like standing up too fast & having that dizzying head rush...it's like 'whoa!'

prince william of wales is marrying his kate...tomorrow, actually. & all the buzz lately has got me to thinking about weddings, but even more than that, the marriage that follows. 

being married myself for 11 1/2 years & still very much in love, i started to look back on that "all you need is love" mantra that i used to repeat to myself. if you can make it through the bills, the in-laws, the first house purchase, stressful jobs, babies, & the growth spurts, you're pretty much set. 

THAT being said...sometimes the hubs will do something so utterly annoying that i want to scream! i would never intentionally stab him in the balls with my stylus OR shave off one of his eyebrows as he sleeps OR finally get that awesome dead leg in when he isn't prepared for it! never! but i've thought about it...when he adds his 100 half empty glasses from his nightstand to my empty clean kitchen sink OR when his sneaky ass scares the crap out of me OR when he honors his A.D.D card by totally interrupting a story that i'm in the middle of telling with something completely off the subject!

i started wondering if i was the only married lady out there who felt this way. so, i enlisted the help of some of my blissfully wedded gal pals for some investigative reporting. what habits/annoyances/quirks get under your skin? & from year 1 up to almost 30, here's what i found out!

1 year & 9 months:  the newly married guy. he doesn't put his stuff away (memories of mom, perhaps or bachelor life) no focus...tries to do way too many things at one time. 

2 1/2 years:  getting more comfortable by the minute guy. clipping finger/toenails in the living room. leaving the milk out. "blowing up the bathroom"(...no matches, no spray, c'mon buddy!). leaving stuff all over the house..."SLOB!"

4 years:  the sleeping tourettes guy. as he falls asleep, he says 'HUH?' loud. waking the spouse every night. the solution (should you be wondering) is to do it right back! oh, & definitely loud enough to wake him up. you see, marriage is about reciprocation :)

9 years:  the "i need a shoe closet" guy. poor fella, he surely needs a place to store the sneaks because now he's forced to leave them in the middle of rooms/hallways. out in the open where his wife will eventually trip, stub her toe, or fall enough times to get this obvious hint.

10 years:  the skill & precision guy. got a piece of paper? church bulletin? receipt? no matter what the stock, he can make it smaller better than scissors. it's simple, just fold & crease...flip. fold & crease...flip. back & forth & rrrip, until virtually you're sitting there by yourself because the "nails on chalkboard" sound has made others jet. but hey, you have mastered this...it belongs to you. 

12 years:  the big kid. he's not sure when he'll finish that project he's working on, but it'll get done. in the meantime, he will school you in the latest video game. and you know this, man!

14 years:  the house that cleans itself guy. no worries that he treks through the house with snow or mud on his shoes...he knows he's got hardwoods, baby. & when you're the last one to finish dinner & the kitchen is cleaned, that empty sink will feel lonely without his plate. (besides if he checked, the dishwasher was probably already full anyways.)

16 1/2 years:  the SNORER. this man could be in the guiness book! falling asleep in 2 minutes & begin the snoring process before the wife can wipe off the cold cream. stupendous! but i take that back...he has plenty of time to saw away because she's actually rinsing all those little hairs from your razor down the sink!

28 years:  the procrastinator. don't even worry about this guy. so, the deadline is friday...guess what? i bet you he will start work on that no later than 'conan' thursday night. he's got it all figured out...a pro for years. & he'll have his suitcase ready 10 minutes before you leave for vacation...did you have any doubt?

*all jabs aside, these are the men we all chose...soul mates, confidants, best friends!! they wrangle jobs & bank statements...they make time to play with the children, tell us we look pretty, & thank us for wonderful meals. heck, some of them even cook the meals. little things aside, marriage is fantastic...it truly must be love!

& lawd, don't even get 'them' started on 'us!' 

"it's the most wonderful time of the year"...

nope. it's not christmas. and a chocolate wielding bunny hopped through our lives yesterday, but i'm not talking about easter either. what is being referred to here is the awesomeness of the annual doctor exam!! woo, baby! fortunately, i have a loverly doc, but still, the yearly physical is never fun times. 

it all begins with paperwork. i fill out the same freaking pages every time. i think this is why my patient folder is so hefty. (8 years worth.)  

after sitting in the waiting room...how did we pass the time before smartphones? oh yeah, magazines. i am called back. deep breath...let the probing begin. first stop, the heinous scale. oh, great, gotta love those things. oh, well, bring it. what do i have to lose? holy crap! more than i thought...eek! for sanity's sake i'm gonna blame at least 2-3 pounds on these guys:

yep, definitely a tad lighter without these...going with that anyways!

aaand, moving on. blood pressure = normal over normal...that's cool. sit & bitch time with the doc. (you know, before the magic happens.) 

DR:  everything going okay?

ME:  yep...ship shape!

DR:  that's nice to hear. hey, when's the last time we checked your cholesterol?

ME: um, i dunno. that involves a needle & blood tho right?!

DR:  (grins) it does...

ME: do i get a pass since i'm a veggie?

DR:  well, it'll certainly help...how are your genes?

ME: comfortably a 10, but i can usually squeeze into an 8!

DR: (shakes head) we'll check just to check.

ME: (throw up in mouth a little) FAN-tastic!

now to the nitty-gritty. an indecent proposal, if you will. i love how there are always fun little socks on the foot rest thingys. today was no exception...pastel flowers & shapes adorned with fuzzy balls decorated as rabbits. oh, & on the ceiling there's usually a cutesy poster of a kitty that reads "hang in there," or something of the sort. i didn't even notice anything today, however. too busy nervously running my yapper; in hopes of blurring the compromising position i was in.  

one more stop by the lab (i was hoping she'd forget!) & i was done. for another year at least. & guess what i get to do next time? mammogram! jealous? hey, that's where you lay your boob on a cold cement floor & the doc slowly backs over it with her car, right?! just joking, but i hear that many moons ago, i wouldn't have been too terribly far off. thank goodness for technology!

guilty pleasure...

and so the fam that has a completely diverse dvd collection (alphabetized by the way, because well, i'm a dork), cable, laptops/notebooks, & game consoles out the wazoo is hooked on...wait for it...Netflix! we are...totally. 

what do we want to watch today? 'Phineas & Ferb' marathon? (usually). comedy? 80's movies? (yes, please.) horror for late night fixes? 

the hubs recently got 'Private Eyes'...hilarious! Don Knotts & Tim Conway are classic! no curse words or graphic nudity; just clean old-fashioned silly goodness. movies that we forgot about are a click away! or at the very least, there may be a lil' something in the mailbox to break up the bills/ads/junk ratio.

but my favorite find...whether i'm viewing in the car pool line via phone or kicking back with a cold one after monkey goes to bed & the hubs is an assassin or a navy seal in the other room is 'My So-Called Life!" ahh, i loves it! 1994-1995...only lasted 19 episodes. so i am spreading it out. it so takes me back to the whole high school scenario. the way they dressed & the music is so indicative of when i was there (having graduated in '95.)

Claire Danes & Jared (hum-mana hum-mana) Leto in perfect teen angst portrayal. what is it with you 'Jordan Catalano'? why do you have to be that guy? you know, that is so aloof & jerky & frustrating, yet so so yummy? i  don't know whether to rip your head off or stare at you like a crazed oober hormoned 16 year old girl. this was me in high school...i liked "that" guy! bad boy type...impulsive & dangerous; okay, so totally in the PG-13 sort of way, but still. the one who didn't know i was alive or if he did, he worked really hard to conceal this information. i feel for 'Angela.' thank goodness for crazy ass 'Rayanne' & of course, every teen girl needs a 'Rickie!'

do you remember going through all of this teeny bopper stuff? when everything was so freaking stressful? the end of the world was only a zit away & one or two mean girls could make you wanna absolutely die? friends change/spread apart...parents are clueless...you're trying so hard to find yourself. (sheesh, i'm still experiencing that last one.) you just don't know if you're ever gonna survive these popular vs. dreadfully not popular politics & embarrassing moments. and if you're different in any kind of way or go against the grain, then bless your heart. how the hell did we survive?

et tu, cheetos...

to catch you up, i've been having this majorly huge pity party lately. i mean super huge...streamers, high fructose corn syrup, bit of hops...par-tay! i don't know if it was because i was home sick last week & had time to think about how lame i was or what. stop me if you've had this moment...it is so truly fantastic!

what i realized is that i am at a total dead end right now. emotionally & mentally exhausted. my internal gps is on a complete loop (in that annoying british robot voice) "re-calculating!" i went down nostalgia avenue, turned right on memory lane, passed the exit ramp onto get-over-it highway, and ended up on bitter drive. these days it's all i can do to avoid consuming the entire edible section of my pantry. i have heard rumors of people who absolutely cannot eat when they are stressed out &/or at low points in their lives. i am glad i don't personally know any of these alleged folks because i would have to smack them. (peanut butter & goldfish crackers are a match made in heaven, btw.)

p.s. if you didn't get an invite, it's only because who the heck wants to show up to "that" kind of party? & with my luck (that particular day), i'd end up someone who really did have a suckier life than me, or would want to challenge me for the loser title. i'm not the competitive type for instances such as these...for example, i say "i have a headache" & they say "i think i should be hospitalized for this migraine that is the size of texas!" nope, i just can't do it!

anyways, i was on the brink of o.d.ing on crunchy corn fried cheesy goodness when i heard the voice of one of my fave ballsy lady's, mae west, in my head. now, the way that i imagine her is sort of as my fairy godmother...or if i could choose one, it'd be her. she would refer to me as sugah or hon or dollface. sassy & brash & awesome. she has said things like:

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

and

 It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

i know, right?! i think every gal could use a little mae in her life, but that's just me.

where was i? oh yea, the inner voice...boy, was it was loud, but necessary! a reminder that if i'm doubtful or not 100% about something, then i need to get off my butt & fix it. or at the least, get moving in the positively right direction again. i have too many years invested in this spine of mine & it'd be criminal not to use it. so, i don't have everything (to my standards), but i have 'it!' a little thing i like to think of as gumption. & i don't believe many folks have this characteristic, or they don't take advantage if they do! maybe it's something that is acquired from certain life experiences, or an internal strength that has to be honed...i'm not really sure.

fortunately, for me, i seldom have these sad little episodes of self loathe. it's just that when they hit...they hit hard. & i never truly discuss my feelings; mainly because i don't want any one to ever feel sorry for me. i try very hard to have the best possible poker face, although it is still a work in progress. 

in spite of everything, the one highlight that always saves my spirit...that sweet smile of my little monkey man! yep, makes crap better every time!

best lines, part 3...the commercials...

Jingle me this, Batman...why is it I can never remember important information, but a tagline of advertising is ready to roll off the tongue on cue?!  Whether you recall a little or a lot, you're sure to have these catchy slogans & jingles on the brain all day long!  You're welcome!

“Clap on, clap off…The Clapper!”  The Clapper

“Mom... do you ever feel... you know... not so fresh?”  Massengill Douche

“Carnation instant breakfaaast. You’re gonna love it in an instant!”  Carnation Instant Breakfast

“Mmm Mmm Good”  Campbell’s Soup

“Where’s the beef?”  Wendy’s

“He likes it! Hey, Mikey!”  LIFE cereal

“My buddy and meee!”   My Buddy

“My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R! My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R!”  Oscar Mayer Bologna

“I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.”   COKE

“Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?”…”But of course.”   Grey Poupon

“Plop, plop. Fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is.”  Alka Seltzer

“I am stuck on Band Aid brand cos band aid’s stuck on me.”   Band Aids

“If you got the time, we got the beer.”  Miller Beer

“HEY, Kool-Aid!”  Kool-Aid

“5…5 dollar…5 dollar footlong.”   Subway

“Hey Man, is that freedom rock?”…” Yeah man!”…” Well, turn it up, man!”  Freedom Rock Compilation

“Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame-seed bun.”  McDonald’s

“Reach out, reach out and touch someone.”  AT&T

“HO, HO, HO Green Giant!”   Green Giant

“You’re not fully clean unless you’re Zest-fully clean!”   ZEST

“Silly Rabbit…TRIX are for kids.”   TRIX cereal

“Trojan MAN!!”  Trojan Condoms

“Bryl-creem, a little dab'll do ya,”  Brylcreem

“Sometimes you feel like a nut…sometimes you don’t.”   Almond Joy/Mounds

“Follow my nose! It always knows!”  Fruit Loops

“There’s always room for J-E-L-L-O”  JELL-O

“You are the sunshine of my life…Minute Maid.”  Minute Maid Orange Juice

“I’m gonna wash that gray right out of my hair.”   Clairol Loving Care

“Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow…”  Meow Mix

“Finger-lickin good”  Kentucky Fried Chicken

“Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya."  Juicy Fruit Gum

“I want my baby back, baby back, baby back…Chili’s baby back ribs.”  Chili’s

“The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup.”  Folger’s Coffee

“O-R-E-O”  Oreo Cookies

“You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!”…”You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!”  Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

“Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life! Mentos, the freshmaker!”  Mentos

“I’m a Pepper. He’s a Pepper. She’s a Pepper. We’re a Pepper. Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?”  Dr. Pepper

“Time to make the donuts.”  Dunkin Donuts

 "Wanna Fanta, don’t you wanna?”   Fanta

“PIZZA, PIZZA!”  Little Caeser’s Pizza

“Double your pleasure. Double your fun.”   Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum

“Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner.”  Oscar Mayer Weiners

“Gimme a break. Gimme a break. Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.”  Kit Kat candy bar

“It’s not easy being cheesy.”  Cheetos

“Whatever it is I think I see becomes a Tootsie Roll to me.”  Tootsie Rolls

“You’re soaking in it.”  Palmolive “The quicker picker upper.”  Bounty paper towels “So, Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?”  Tootsie Pop

best lines, part 2...the lyrics...

some of my favorite songs have the best freaking lyrics...which is probably why i love them so much! haven't you had that moment when you're listening to a song & think 'that is the best line ever'? yea, me too...

*if a song or band is unfamiliar, i recommend googling that shiz & taking a listen...trust me*

“Daylight licked me into shape. I must have been asleep for days. And moving lips to breathe her name, I opened up my eyes “  Cure…”Just Like Heaven”

“But I’d rather be working on a paycheck than trying to win the lottery.”  Bright Eyes…”First day of my life”

“Here’s the day you hoped would never come. Don’t feed me violins. Just run with me through rows of speeding car.”  Imogen Heap…”Speeding Cars”

“I drew a blank, we put it in a frame.”   Modest Mouse…”Guilty Cocker Spaniels”

“Tonight I’ll dream while I’m  in bed when silly thoughts go through my head about the bugs and alphabet, and when I wake tomorrow I’ll bet that you and I will walk together again. I can tell that we’re going to be friends.”  The White Stripes…”We’re Going To Be Friends”

“I think last night you were driving circles around me.”  50 Foot Wave…”Your Ghost”

“Make me laugh. Say you know what you want. You said we were the real thing. So I show you some more and I learn what black magic can do. Make me laugh. Say you know you can turn me in to the real thing. So I show you some more and I learn.”  Tori Amos…”Jackie’s Strength”

“You didn’t have to give your necklace, to me before I left. Now I lay awake and think, how very smart you were.”  Porno for Pyros…”100 Ways”

“I want to change the world instead I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me.”  Ingrid Michaelson…”Keep Breathing”

 “My heart's like an open book for the whole world to read. Sometimes nothing, keeps me together at the seams.”  Motley Crue…”Home Sweet Home”

“I remember hating you for loving me.”  Berlin…”Metro”

“If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark.”  Death Cab for Cutie…”I will follow you into the dark”

“So I sit at the edge of my bed. I strum my guitar, and I sing an Outlaw love song.”  Social Distortion…”Story of my life”

“I never thought I’d say this to you. I lied above you, regrets are useless. Was it my ego tellin’ me why.”  The Sounds…”EGO”

“Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew. Maybe I'll just lie low. Maybe I'll hit the bars. Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn. Me, I will go on.”  Dolly Parton…”Hard Candy Christmas”

“I wanna see movies of my dreams.”  Built to Spill…”Car”

“Anything to make you smile. You are the ever-living ghost of what once was.”  Band of Horses…”No one’s gonna love you”

“Happiness hit her like a train on a track. Coming towards her stuck still no turning back.”  Florence + the Machine…”Dog Days Are Over”

“It's a rainy afternoon in 1990. The big city…geez it's been 20 years. Candy, you were so fine.”  Iggy Pop…”Candy”

“No sweeping exits or offstage lines…could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind.”  Rolling Stones…”Wild Horses”

“You said good friends are hard to come by. I laughed and bought you a beer 'cause it's too corny to cry.”  Indigo Girls…”Joking”

“There were things I don't remember. There was messed up alligator. There were endless conversations. No one's mouths were really moving.”  Ugly Casanova…”Things I Don’t Remember”

“Dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast.”  Kate Nash…”Merry Happy”

“I've kissed mermaids, rode the el nino. Walked the sand with the crustaceans.”  PIXIES…”Wave of Mutilation”

“With the lights out, it's less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us.”  Nirvana…”Smells Like Teen Spirit”

“The only thing I'll ever ask of you, you've got to promise not to stop when I say when.”  Foo Fighters…”Everlong”

“Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams? Who's gonna plug their ears when you scream?”  The Cars…”Drive”

“Oh but you are in my blood, you're my holy wine. You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet.”  Joni Mitchell…”A Case of You”

“This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.”  Fiona Apple...”Sleep to Dream”

“Dance you fucker, dance you fucker. Don't you dare, don't you dare. Don't you flan in the face. Take it with the love is given. Take it with a pinch of salt. Take it to the taxman. Let me back let me back, I promise to be good. Don't look in the mirror at the face you don't recognize. Help me call the doctor…put me inside.”   Radiohead…”A Wolf at the Door”

“I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used. Oh, you just keep on using me until you use me up.”  Bill Withers…”Use Me”

“Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to arise.”  The Beatles…”Black Bird”

“Average every day sane psycho…supergoddess.”   Liz Phair…”Extraordinary”

“Shake the frame of this house. Distress the wood, make it shout.”   Thao With The Get Down Stay Down…”Bag of Hammers”

“In the dark, I like to read his mind.”  ‘Til Tuesday…”Voices Carry”

“Watch out. You might get what you’re after.”  Talking Heads…”Burning Down the House”

“Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?”  New Order…”Bizarre Love Triangle”

“Carve your name into my arm. Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.”  Placebo…”Every You Every Me”

“All of her lovers all talk of her notes, and the flowers that they never sent.”  The Psychedelic Furs…”Pretty in Pink”

best lines, part 1...the movies...

some of my faves...loved & used in every day convo! some you will remember...some may make you search the netflix! regardless, enjoy!

“Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?...No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.”  Tommy Callahan…’Tommy Boy’

 “Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.” Harry Dunne… ‘Dumb & Dumber’

“Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.” Katie Morosky Gardner…’The Way We Were’

“Oh, it’s nobody’s fault but my own! I was looking up…it was the nearest thing to heaven ! You were there…”  Terry McKay…’An Affair to Remember’

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”  Inigo Montoya…’The Princess Bride’

“Oh, no, it wasn’t the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast.”  Carl Denham…’King Kong’

“First rule of Fight Club is-you do not talk about Fight Club.”  Tyler Durden…’Fight Club’

“I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”  Jessica Rabbit…’Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’

“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” Vivian Ward…’Pretty Woman’

“Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?” Indiana Jones…’Raiders of the Lost Ark’

“Open the pod bay doors, HAL.”  Dr. Dave Bowman…’2001:  A Space Odyssey’

“Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other?…Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?”  John Bender…’The Breakfast Club’

“I don't want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don't tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth.” Blanche DuBois…‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ 

“Man, he’s like tripendicular, ya know?”  Julie Richman…’Valley Girl’

“I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.”  Cal Naughton Jr….’Talladega Nights’

“Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much... it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breath…”  Mrs. White…’Clue’

“That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”  Wooderson…’Dazed and Confused’

 “They don't call me balls out Natalie for nothing.”  Natalie Cook…’Charlie’s Angels’

“Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” Glinda, the Good Witch of the North…’The Wizard of Oz’

“Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?”  Veronica Sawyer…’Heathers’

“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”  Noah Calhoun…’The Notebook’

“I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubble gum.”  Nada…’They Live’

“What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose, tiger.”  Landlady…’Kingpin’

“When I was going up the stairs, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today, I wish, I wish he'd go away.”  Malcolm Rivers/Ed…’Identity’

“Andie, hon. Listen, it's after 7:00. Don't waste good lip gloss.”  Iona…’Pretty in Pink’

“I'm sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.”  Derek Zoolander…’Zoolander’

“I gotta meet this freakin' bird.”  Shelley Darlingson…’The House Bunny’

“That's right! Rule, bitch! But don't forget who made you!”  Courtney…’Jawbreaker’

“I love you! Oh, God forgive me, I do!”  Mina Murray Harker…’Bram Stoker’s Dracula’

“No shirt, no shoes…No dice!”  Jeff Spicoli (& buds)…’Fast Times at Ridgemont High’

“Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Mum, hi.”  Bridget Jones…’Bridget Jones’s Diary’

“Look Luanne! I'm not goin' to college like some people. And I sure as hell ain't marryin' a damn Ralston. And I ain't gonna die in a parish house in Spartanburg, South Carolina, thank you. Luanne, I'm as pretty as any of those girls in Hollywood. This is my chance! Jimmy Valentine's gonna discover me today, and it ain't gonna be in your mama's hoop skirt!”  Malaina…’Shag’