mug of fun...

it's no secret that i'm always on the lookout for loverly things; be it crafty or a fun way to organize, funky styles, etc. & lately i've really been inspired to create. (i'd like to say that i had fired that part of my brain a few months back, but the truth is, she  just quit! we've since made up & are back on track)

enter today. cold & rainy. sis & niece in town. what to do...what to do...

i had seen this super fun creation via vlog by one of my fave daily must-haves, kandee johnson. mommy of 4, makeup artist, youtuber, blogger, & overall awesome creative lady! (you're gonna need to check her out...sooo cool!) anyways, back to my inspiration for today's boredom buster. i had remembered watching a how-to for "mustache mugs." & had been dying to do it. who doesn't love a mustache?

monkey & i made a quick trip to the local craft store for the supplies. then, it was time to play!

the amazing kandee: (is it too stalker-y to say i adore her without personally knowing her?) enjoy!

cute, huh?

so, how'd we do?

or, you can do your own thing! not into mustaches? maybe you prefer sonic the hedghog or mario...or want to keep your joe warm in a starry mug! no matter...just have fun!

ames, monkey, maizy, moms, & ash...cheers!

slowing down a bit...

this time of year is craziness...it is, for everyone. it's seldom that i can afford to zone out around mid december because there is just too much to do. i didn't get a whole lot accomplished yesterday except for getting cookies baked for a xmas exchange thingy & then going to said thingy. there was a good hour in there where i could have done something productive, but i didn't. on the verge of beating myself up over it last night after i returned home & settled in, a picture caught the corner of my eye.

it is framed on the book shelf in the center room of our house & i pass it every day, but i really noticed it last night. i stopped...remembered this beautiful moment frozen in time.

the picture i'm referring to is of monkey & his very first visit with santa. he was just 5 weeks old. & he was such a good little traveler. it was a busy day in december. we waited in a super long line at the mall for the meet & greet with jolly ole st nick. monkey tried to stay alert; taking in all the sights & sounds without a fuss. unfortunately, by the time it was our turn...the wait had taken its toll & santa would encounter a sleeping baby. what would happen next was incredible & turned out to be my most favoritest picture ever!!

does it get any sweeter? when the man in red closed his eyes & posed as if they had fallen asleep reading together, i got so misty-eyed...kind of like i am now.

taking a few minutes to enjoy this picture led me to then losing track of time all together & looking at other old pictures for awhile. i think that's what this time of year is really about anyways. not getting too consumed with the hustle & bustle, but slowing down a little & looking back on special moments; people.

oh, & another pic that is close to my heart is one with our 1st child in it. delia wasn't a "dog," she was my sweet baby girl. this was our last christmas with her...i still miss her every day!

the things i do for vanity...

i don't know what's gotten into me this week?! oh yea, i have a condition called bi-polarism (probably not the technical term, but it sounded good)...true story. it's not like super wonky crazy-i'm gonna hurt myself or someone else if i have a bad day-sort of thing...so, don't worry!! it's actually great when i'm on a manic "high"...it means that i get things done. & my passionate frenzies lean on the more creative side...with the help of holiday stress & a timeline, i frantically make impulse decisions & magic happens! i kid, but that's really how my brain functions. & besides, didn't every genius person in history have a mental condition of some form or another? i'm gonna stick with that excuse anyways.

okay, prologue aside, i have been up to another project. i actually decided, gathered materials, & completed it in the time 'silence of the lambs' played in the background on tv last night (love that movie). it started with a chair. which led to vinyl...yummy. & a shirt.

meet the shirt! it's a very leopard-y maternity sweater that was worn & loved by my sis, ames, when she was prego with my niece. it would be an understatement to say simply that the girl loves animal print. she's obsessed! when i found out that i was a gal in trouble (totally joking), this gem was bequeathed to yours truly. at first, i was like, "holy me-ow, batman!" but the beauty of this sweater is that it is the softest, most comfortable garment around!  & so i embraced it...don't judge me!

i've held on to it all these years, thinking that i might eventually take it in, make it into a little wrap dress or over-sized cardi. you know, something. i found it earlier in the week during the big closet clean out. it was on it's way to my hope chest full of material...



the canvas, if you will: i have a really neat vintage chair that i adore. i have a soft spot for chairs. i gravitate towards them. i've never figured that one out, but i always grab them (if they're in okay shape structure wise) at yard sales or the like. this particular one was with a group of 3. two of which i had redone a few years back & resold. i was hanging on to this guy for "hard times." i just thought the frame was too cool & because i was bound to need it eventually, yes?! i was right...i would & i do.

i smell an upcycle!

throw in some red vinyl (saved from a project past) & i've got my misfits in ready formation. add a hammer, staple gun, gerber tool, & electric drill, of course. POWER tools are awesome!! the new purpose of this chair is strictly for vanity! it's going in the guest bedroom to partner with an heirloom buffet & be the make-up, hair, pretty-fying area. "vanity, definitely my favorite sin." (name that movie) but seriously, i'm pretty excited to have my own space. did i mention how small the rooms & bathrooms were in this house & how much "stuff" i have? i am really pleased with the fruits of my labor...tomorrow, i bake 4 dozen cookies for a cookie exchange...hooray! oh, the chair...i almost forgot!

ta-da...so easy & super quick to do. man, i love saving things from the big bad landfill if i can. viva la green!

DIY? Y not...

we love candy!! we do. it’s my weakness & the monkey, well, he’s 7…sooo, there’s that. & we buy it, but not in mass amounts. i mean, every time we turn around there’s a holiday or special occasion that warrants sweet treats (or sour, our personal fave). there is candy in the cabinet, in the fridge (i like my candy bars cold), & finally, leftovers in the trick or treat bag.

i wanted to have it all in one place, so i settled on one of my vintage pyrex dishes, but i secretly pine for a fun or unusual apothecary jar of some sort to display in the kitchen.

so, for a few weeks now i have been looking around for one. ever notice that when you’re “looking,” said object doesn’t want to be found? yes, i’ve had this experience. locally, i’ve been unlucky…& online, well, the small plain jars start at 10 bucks. not bad, but i don’t want an ordinary one (of course) & the larger start at $30-35 & go up. ooh, i saw a super fancy, schmancy one for $70 dollars, but figured i could find something cheaper to break.

since i’m in no rush…at all, i thought i’d just wait. maybe after the holidays, i’ll come across something cool at a random location. then it happened. i saw the coolest idea via my new loverly addiction, Pinterest!! & geez, so awesomely simple…why couldn’t i have thought of it? that’s okay, i’ll take it. heck, while i’m at it, i’ll share it, too! (i thought that maybe some of you might just like it/get inspired/et cetera, et cetera!)

the materials were easy to come by. 2 jars saved from landfill...check. 2 candle sticks thrifted last winter for a couple of bucks; glad i grabbed those for these just in case moments. all i needed was to swing by the craft store & grab some funky fresh spray paint!

so with supplies in hand, i am ready for my nifty project...yay! jars are cleaned; labels removed. candle sticks are prepped for the luscious key lime paint. 2 coats & 24 hours later, i'm in business...the candy display business. (jars are affixed gluefully to sticks for a smaller chance of accident...i said smaller, no guarantee around these parts.) & this is the end result...

how cute did these turn out? so excited. this was just too easy not to try & it suits our family's needs to a t!

skeletons in the closet...closets...floor...

i have to admit...i am probably one of the most unorganized gals around. & i wonder why i can never find anything. my house stays fairly tidy-ish. i mean we do live here & it's apparent that there's a monkey abound, but it's really not that bad. until, of course, you head to the back. yes, folks, there is a very good reason why the doors to the bedroom & guest room stay closed! it's awful.

it's not filthy with junk & papers & boxes or stuff like that. no, my huge issue is...wait for it...my closet, or proper use of. i simply haven't the space to accommodate all my clothes. & i never have anything to wear despite what appears to be wardrobe jackpot. so here i am with one closet packed to the gills, an antique buffet that i re purposed as a "dresser," all of my shoes piled in the bottom of hubs closet, & various piles here & there. it is quite embarrassing to say the least.

anyone else have this problem? how in the heck do i accumulate all this stuff? i'm not a serial shopper. & a day or two behind in putting laundry away is just bad news for me. vicious cycle, for sure!

i had been planning on figuring out a solution for, hmm, forever now, but the thought totally overwhelmed me. for some reason though, this week was the week! yesterday, on what could have been a super lazy sunday, i decided to jump off of my rump & get to making the impossible possible.

i knew that i didn't wear the majority of what i had, but as the donation bag got bigger & bigger, i was like "whoa!" i was holding on to some crazy stuff. clothes that i figured might fit again...one day...by way of tape worm, possibly. but no. & then there were pants (post baby-year one through 3, i think) that were saggy & very unflattering....i saw london & france! & i am not down with the homeys, so into the bag they went!

1/2 way there...ahh, progress!

& it is still a work in progress, but i am feeling almost lighter around here. & i actually feel "put together"...okay, so maybe that's a stretch, but definitely heading in the right direction. & because i'm knocking this out, i can finally get to the changes in my guest bedroom before my sister & niece visit in a couple of weeks for christmas! hooray!

consolidation, baby! & all in the same room...woot!

touching base...

or as lionel richie would say "hello...is it me you're looking for?" so, yeah, i've been a little MIA as of late. not that i didn't have any thing to say (i always have something to contribute), i've just been working on other things. mostly mental housekeeping. i chalk it up to the craziness of this time of year plus a little extra on the side.

if you're wondering (you are, right? oh, well i'm gonna tell ya anyway) here's what has been going on...

i had a birthday. egads! yep, the big 3-0...& add 5 to that. it wasn't bad actually. i was sans friends this year, which kind of stunk, but i understand that people have other jazz going on in their lives. totally. & the hubs made it fun & memorable for me. sushi, movie, & the local irish pub afterwards; where we met some colorful folks...it was good.

thanksgiving...duh. also good. not as drunk as usual in preparation, which is a damn lovely sign, yes?! i think so. & we only visited one house this year. (we usually are a keep the car running while we cram our faces sort of family so we can we cycle around to all) but not this time. & i thought that was the ideal way to go, but you know, i actually kind of missed not seeing everyone. huh...i surprised myself. guess that's why the ginormous holidays are so close together. okay, not really.

also, i haven't been blogging, but have been typing plenty. just on more traditional things; essay for school, financial aid hubaloo, & freshening up the ole resume. yes, good people, your girl ash is heading back to school! so excited...so so excited! come january, i will be entering into the world of cosmetology. pin curls & color & make-up, oh my. i am both beaming & terrified at the same time. but, i am following my passion for this fashion & doing it (instead of just being on the fence questioning myself.) deep breath...exhale...going for it!

& now, gals & guys, you are caught up...you're welcome. i knew you'd appreciate that. & i've been jotting down observations, keeping ears peeled for greatness, & haven't forgotten about this public journal (if you will) of mine. plenty of crazy to go around. until we chat again...ash.

latent techno-sexual...

i am a huge dork. i know, can't be true...but it is. i've always been a natural at pop culture nonsense; including, but not limited to, song lyrics, movies, latest trends, random celebrity trivia. but the whole technology thing has always been about 2 feet flying right over my head.

i could never wrap my brain around what seemed basically simple. which i think is my problem. i love to make things bigger & more confusing than they are; until i shrug & forget about it all together. this is computer, phone type stuff rather. plus, i figure i don't have to mess with it too much...i always have the hubs to do it/show me how. 

i think i was signed up to blogger like a year before this blog actually came to life. twitter, about the same amount of time. & so on & so on.

i had come to the realization that i was super un-savvy in this interweb universe. if i have email & facebook, then i'm good. wrong. i needed a boost to my smartness ego. there's intelligence somewhere in there. hey, if this brain can come back with a smartass comment with mach speed, then i can figure out this shiz. i just needed to TRY...play around with different things until it clicked. (jeez, how simple is that thought process?) besides, the hubs feels the need to update my phone every 6 months...for me, it's like learning to walk again. in my cave woman-esque way, i'd hit it a couple of times with a stick until it displayed something seemingly interesting. not really, but you see where i've had no choice here but to get with the rest of the herd on this 21st century thing. (& you do realize that i totally just googled "what century are we in?")

& so now, i'm just sowing my mad techno oats all over this scene. i really love it...now that i know i can do it by myself. (isn't that silly?) still gonna ask questions though; i will definitely need to from time to time. (be ready, friends) *there is one of those 'for dummies' books out there with my name on it...i just know it! (you can make my royalty checks out to ash or cash!)

oh my goodness, i've come a long way from my 1st "tweet, tweet" on feb 15th, when my friend, the always great, ash l., helped me set up my new twitter account & blogspot with a smile & "go for it" attitude...HA! thanks, girl. (http://lindler5.blogspot.com/)

i still don't fully get photoshop (it's not my bff), but i dig picnik.com. super easy for chicks like me. i listen to music on spotify...snap cell photos more often with the coolness of instagram, & my latest infatuation (via funny man, mark p. http://whatwhitechickscherish.blogspot.com/, another keeper in my social stratosphere) is my 2 day old relationship with Pinterest. (which i had gottten wait listed for a login in the beginning...you know how you don't even want something until you can't have it?)

so yea, i'm a dork...believe me now, huh?! but, it works for me. i mean, when i'm in the carpool line, breaks at work, or can't sleep at night...i'm gonna need something to do. (besides play angry birds & words with friends)

a little late to the party, but out & ready to mingle...*lol...#...emoticon* just kidding. & maybe one day i'll even be interesting enough to be on foursquare? nah...you can just follow me on twitter @miscellaneash.

sugar is sugar...

the perfect party preparations would be best described by most etiquette magazines &/or list making books as follows: (generally speaking)

1. 6-8 weeks before...book venue
2. 4-6 weeks before...make guest list, decide on theme, food, etc.
3. 2-4 weeks before...select invitations, address, & mail
4. 1 week before...shop for all supplies, equipment, party favors


well, i have a little prep list of my own. it starts out similar with the best of intentions then gets slightly altered from the above. far from perfect, but effective. the ash way, if you will…or, fly the seat of one’s pants & get hysterical at the last minute!

the first thing...venue, or location. marked off the list & booked several weeks in advance...check. this was actually a no brainer. in the past, we've done the "have i lost my damn mind?" birthday parties at places that are famously just a room full o' bouncys. (which actually wasn't that bad as we opted for the rent your own space package.) but this year, we wanted something different. the local park was ideal with a shelter/picnic table area & covered nice sized playground.

the second thing we did (monkey & myself) was decide on the friends to invite. i had most all of the addresses, 1 or 2 shy, already. fantastic! i suggested (since he likes to draw) that we might want to make our own invitations. & he was all over it. each friend was going to get a one of a kind 'sonic the hedgehog' picture. he was serious too. & poof, the theme was 'SONIC!' (there was never any doubt...it's all he talks about.) so a week & 2 days before party day, the invites were mailed.

the hubs, being the smarty that he is, had the right mind to order a few supplies online in advance; no sonic themed things around town. so hats, plates, & a table cloth came a week prior.

all we needed at this point was the rest of the supplies, snacks, cupcake ingredients, & we would be ready. wow, we were doing great…for us, anyways.


here's where my oober party planning comes in...because i'm so organized & what not…

3 pm friday (day before)...pick up monkey from school, run over to local party supply shop. get party favors for 11? 12? hell, who knows for sure (left list of kiddies coming at home) 15...yea, that sounds safe! additional plain blue plates/napkins. candles, cupcake holders & a few boxes to transport them in. (how i managed to even think of how i would make cupcakes mobile was a miracle in itself…that’s a last minute ash freakout sort of thing)

3:43...jump in car, head over to super store of walliness. we need ingredients, cotton candy floss, snacks, drinks.

5:02...finally get home (no cotton candy floss) only to get ready for monkey's school fall festival at 6.


now, as you may have noticed, i have mentioned cotton candy twice. why did we need it, you ask?! *monkey got a cotton candy machine last year for christmas, & i think we've used it once...with regular white sugar. & i had the cool idea to top chocolate frosted cupcakes with said cotton candy. blue. there is only one place that has the floss, that i could find. cromer's peanuts located downtown. which is cool, get it super quick on saturday morning.

10 am saturday (day of)…let the baking begin. both muffin pans are located & 24 bake at a time. hubs is out in search of blue cotton candy floss & ice for the cooler. oh, & ring pops! i forgot that i had not been able to locate those the day before…they were crucial to the party favor bags, as they resemble “chaos emeralds” from ‘sonic.’

11:43…all 48 cupcakes are done & cooling on the rack. time to make lunch. hubs called to say there was no blue. okay. purple is close enough. plus, monkey says grape is his favorite flavor this week!

1:38…what? where did the time go? my hair is in rollers. i am not dressed. my child is not dressed. oh crap, the favor bags…i have to put those together! the cupcakes aren’t iced! panic attack! i start icing…”hubs, i need youuuu!” & he swoops in for icing detail. i grab monkey’s clothes. i put together favor bags with one roller half way intact…it was being difficult. slap on some war paint…squeeze in to clothes. ahh, breathe.

2:14 (46 minutes until party at 3)…the cotton candy is buzzing, swirling, & sugar is flying everywhere. but we have a 2 man thing going & these cupcakes are looking incredible! these perfect fluffs of sweetness look so pretty & everything is coming together. (i knew all along…)
i mean, i cannot get over how awesome they are. as i gingerly place them in the boxes, i give myself a little ‘atta girl!’

2:42…loading up the cars. grabbing the camera. placing cupcake boxes neatly in the back seat of the one car (don't want them to get messed up!) while the hubs puts stuff in the other. we are off to monkey’s birthday party!

3:00…party time! the shelter is perfectly next to the playground. i am all smiles. my baby boy is excited. nothing could go wrong…not one eensy thing. how does everything always come together? & this by far has been the most perfect prep for a party ever! (okay, there was a hiccup here & there, but…)


so, you know how  there’s always a lot of air in cotton candy bags? & once you open it, it goes kinda flat? & remember how stoked i was on our awesome creations for all to see?

*is that the most "perfect" cupcake you've ever seen? omg, i had to laugh. i just had to. as i apologize to every person & explain to them how beautiful they were. the once lovely, fluffy puff of light purple was now a sugar encrusted layer of goodness. oh well, they were eaten. they tasted good at least. sugar is sugar, right? & we had the best time with our family & friends.

monkey is still talking about his best birthday party ever! & that is all that matters.

ps...why, oh why did i NOT do my normal dorky thing & take a before picture? damn you, cotton candy! hahaha...                                              

fallishness...

november already? poof…october is gone once again…sigh. my favorite time of the year always seems to take forever to get here & is the quickest to go away. i’m sure that the whole something planned almost every day thing doesn’t help too much; we really do indulge ourselves in this delicious month!

a few things that kept us occupied, was looked forward to, & ate up (because you're dying to know, right?):

·        fair…smells, gigantic pizza slices, lights, mass amounts of smiling faces, screams from the roller coasters, fried mushrooms, farm animals, make your own ½ yard slushies.

·        eats…chili, hot chocolates, warm breads, bottomless bag o candy.

·        wears…pulling out the sweaters, boots, tights, leggings, scarves, hats.

·        soccer…learning something new, coaching hubs, fold out chairs, shin guards, cheering to hoarseness, snapping pictures left & right, celebration dances by the kids, post game parent tunnel, good attitudes whether it’s a win or a loss.

·        pumpkins…picking, carving, drawing, painting, lighting, eating. *starbucks pumpkin latte, you make me swoon!

·        ah ha moments…anniversaries, birthdays coming up, outgrown jeans/long sleeve tees/shoes (the monkey won’t stop growing!)

·        mountains…trees that are every color possible, hills/valleys, american indian appreciation, moccasin/knife/rock shops, small towns kept up in their original charm, hot tubbing in the freezing cold, winding roads, “no signal!”

·        halloween…decorations, stories, scary movies/themed shows on every single channel (whether it’s 8 at night or 8 in the morning), costume brainstorming, costume making/preparations, trick or treating, great friends, monkey’s excited little face.

just sayin'...

·         places i would love to see a Picasso…a museum…a mansion, but never in a plastic surgeon’s waiting room.

·         why does it seem that the most stubborn, hard to please people agree to do home/fashion makeover shows?

·         getting gas is like the worst chore ever.

·         my cat needs prozac & the dog barks at whatever; people, squirrels, air.

·         for a family of only 3 (1 of whom is only 6), we have more dirty dishes, laundry, & trash than we should…it blows my mind!

·         i think scary movies are much creepier in the afternoon…seriously.

·         why do i open the fridge & check the cabinets knowing that there’s no new snacks in there since the last time i checked?

·         if you’re gonna go on a show like ‘steve wilkos’ & take a lie detector test, chances are, things aren’t going to turn out like you’d hoped.

·         i could have sworn that wrinkle wasn't there yesterday! (apparently i frown a lot? bah.)

·         i have turned the whole “one step forward, two steps back” concept into a dance…shall we cha cha?

·         pretty sure i have reverse anorexia (as my sis would say) i actually think i look good until the pictures come back.

·         i love halloween.

·         i wish i had a sheet of bubble wrap to keep in my purse for stress relief emergencies.

·         chewing gum & walking at the same time really does trip me up. plus, i bite the crap out of my lip…every time.

·         really want a super awesome catch phrase like “shazam!” or “dy-no-mite” or “oh aye, aye oh”…i’m still working on it.

·         i will accept the fact that the dryer is NOT shrinking my clothes, but for the love of jeebus, the hubs should know the whole NO RED ANYTHING in a load of whites rule by now!

·         planning for an out of town adventure shouldn’t have my anxiety levels off the charts.

·         ever go into work thinking you look good; good hair, make-up…only to have someone ask if you’re feeling well? (to which i wanna say, “suck it!”)

·          i think sassy is an art form. it’s all in the delivery…if you screw that up, you’re just a mega bitch…just sayin’!

tradition is...

the perfect fall day came this past weekend & at just the right moment. this, of course, could mean only one thing...pumpkin patch time!

now, the hubs & i never had "family" tradition things growing up. i mean, we got together for major holidays; my family would drive to the affluent neighborhood to look at christmas lights, but that's about it. when monkey was born though, we decided to embark on special memory maker type activities. enter harmon's farm...located out in lexington, sc, this "farm" is complete with pumpkins for halloween & christmas trees for, well, christmas. we look so forward to these trips. always guaranteed fun, fun, fun.

there are some animals, although the goat population seemed much smaller this year. there's old tractors & farm equipment. funny/cutesy signs everywhere. & even a playground!

we have to take part in each & every thing they have to offer...naturally.

7 years so far...it's just something we do & plan on doing from here on. 

how tall this fall? over 4 feet! wowzers!

an af-fair to remember...

the hubs & i celebrated our 12 year anniversary this weekend. he still likes me, i still like him...we got a good thing going! 
a sweet exchange of cards & sentiments (i got new earrings!) followed by fine dining on saturday night. this place was amazing...*solstice kitchen & wine bar in columbia, sc, if you're in the neighborhood* oh my gracious, i'm still daydreaming about the krispy kreme bread pudding dessert...nom nom nom.

but the celebration doesn't stop there. because at the end of the day, the beautiful wedding that we planned back then as two is nothing compared to the wonderful marriage & family of three that we've become. & when we put our noggins together to achieve maximum sunday fun, it is always a family affair.

let the games begin...

   the ginormous slice of cheese pizza is a momma/monkey staple!

have to see all the animals...of course! we love those guys...

get 'em guys, get 'em...ahh, better luck next time!

because what's more american than corn dogs that are 80 feet long? ok, so maybe not that many feet...ha!

see you next year, state fair...we had a blast! thanks for helping us celebrate & for being yet another reason why we enjoy fall oh so much!

long time coming...

some know, but most of you don’t know that i am the “baby” of three siblings. an older sister & an older brother, who is predeceased. i have been meaning to write about him for a while now, but it’s always very hard to process everything that i would want to say. you will still not know him by the end of this, but maybe you will get an idea of my love for him. fingers crossed.

what prompted this, you ask. maybe it’s the constant reminders i get through headlines of hate crimes, anti-gay whatever, or a country that continues to deny human equality. maybe it’s because i just made it through another september…where it starts out weirdly sad, my balance is off (more than usual), or i have that feeling where i’ve forgotten something; did i turn the stove off, leave the back door open, leave the curlers plugged in? nope, september is always my empty feeling month, then i remember why. 13 years ago this particular month, my brother, charles left this world. he left. & i didn’t see him in the hospital…in his eleventh hour. i could not. i’m glad that i could not. it is the best decision that i’ve ever made. i knew i would only remember a sick man lying in a hospital bed, clinging for his life, losing his battle. (i would remember, later on, feeling the sigh of relief when i turned 28...even though, i know that sounds strange.) 

no, i chose to remember the vital, quirky, “best of the best, please,” older brother. a black sheep…pretty outspoken…one of the good guys.

charles was my mother’s son from another marriage. her first. young & willing to leave her small town only to end up in another; where then, new husband decided to change his marital status. a teenage girl, in a strange town was now a new mother & divorcee. sounds like a freaking lifetime movie, huh? and the solution to her woe…”kind” new in-laws who would help rear the grandchild until mom got on her feet. thing is, when she did, that plan was out the window. single mother without a child…just single.

he tried though, when he was old enough, to make contact with my mother. & he came to live with us as a late teenager…17?  (i was around 9, i guess) it didn’t last very long. & when he called her to tell her he was gay? she simply said “i know.” mothers know these things, maybe. or they just love, nonetheless. (that’s what i’m sticking with anyways...the almighty unconditional.)

the last time i saw him, he was living in charleston with a couple of roomies. no love interest. i think about that now & feel extremely sad. not sure why; guess because i would never have wanted him to feel alone, ya know?! the year 1998…he had a couple of strange sores on his arms. i didn’t think anything of it. i definitely didn’t think “lesions.” he had invited me down to visit him. we exchanged numbers. i would never make the trip. i was discouraged a bit, but i’m not gonna bust anyone’s chops over that. i was more than old enough  to drive at that point & had my own car…i could’ve been more decisive of my own whereabouts, etc. but i tried to do what i was told. the neat thing, though (& this has always resonated with me), is that the hubs is my only friend that ever met my big brother.

several months later, i would be engaged. the hubs & i would visit my sister in pennsylvania & celebrate. hubs ate the worm, by way of testosterone pressure…bleck! i do remember that. we would get back from that trip in august, but i would never get to tell my brother the news.

the doctor called my mother & said that charles wouldn’t make it through the night. she drove to charleston the next day anyway. she wouldn’t be there long (like, less than 30 minutes) before he passed. he waited for her in the end. he waited for his mom.

it absolutely sucks to lose anyone you love. but i draw strength from the person that my brother was & the person i envision that he would’ve been. he wasn’t that “gay man who died from AIDS,” to me & shouldn’t be to you. i found a voice through him. i have learned a lot about myself & the person that i want to be & the person that i want to raise my child to be. i don’t stand behind or put myself in front of folks that are different from me…i stand WITH them. i support equality for everyone. no one deserves to walk this earth with a stigma attached or have their epitaph read “i died a shameful death.” AIDS doesn’t pick you out of a crowd, it doesn’t discriminate, you don’t have to be a certain height to ride that ride!

& no matter what former administrations or religious radicals have stated, my brother did not die because of a “lifestyle.” a “lifestyle” is driving an SUV, living out of your means, or keeping up with the “joneses!”

& in the end, he is remembered on a daily…he is loved…& i’m proud to say that i had the opportunity to know him (what little bit), charles, my big brother!  

things i have to do today...

i haven't got it together...i've never pretended to or eluded from this fact. at my speed...in my time; okay, so usually in the eleventh hour, but tada...i pull it off. done. on to my next feat.

this week is different...the control is not in my hands. & i wait. i've reached point a...check. now, i wait for point b (in order to get to point c.) & this drives me crazy...i've lost control. was i a master of it? no, but i called the shots. i made the mess & i cleaned it up or i've gone out on that limb, & sweet...i did it! this is when my faith is tested. (& i hate that.)

not my faith in others, but in myself. why are there so many speed bumps? am i doing what i'm supposed to be doing?

man, tests suck! i especially never liked multiple choice. made me doubt myself. much like now. i know the answer...don't i? yes, of course i do, because i have doubled checked over & over...or maybe i didn't.

& the seasons are changing...i can feel them; weather wise (snarfy, raspy), but also emotionally. bad timing?

you know, i could doubt myself all freaking day. (it's a habitual thing) or i can go for it...make it happen. i have a tendency to come up with crazy ideas, but i at least try them. if i say i'm going to do something, it's pretty much a sure thing. i am not a fan of talking...if you "talk" about it, it goes away, right?! but i wait...in the meantime...for someone else to give me the push forward or just the make-up test.

what happened to the days when all you had to do was show up? oh, yea, grown-up stuff. but i won't go back in time...keeping forward. onward or bust!

& yet, among my anxiety & the music that i cling to during my "moment" & the emotional suitcase that is packed to gill...i am reminded of a poem sent by a friend. someone who knows that i can mark off these to-do's lickety-split; someone who has faith in my craziness. & from my soul sister, a simple reminder. because at the end of the day...it's the littlest of things that speak to me. the water's fine; my spirit is diving in...thanks JG!


the road
tony hoagland

down near the bottom of the crossed-out list of things you have to do today, between "green thread" and "broccoli," you find that you have penciled "sunlight." resting on the page, the word is beautiful. it touches you as if you had a friend and sunlight were a present he had sent from someplace distant as this morning—to cheer you up,
and to remind you that, among your duties, pleasure is a thing that also needs accomplishing.
do you remember? that time and light are kinds of love, and love is no less practical than a coffee grinder or a safe spare tire?
tomorrow you may be utterly without a clue, but today you get a telegram from the heart in exile, proclaiming that the kingdom still exists, the king and queen alive, still speaking to their children,
—to any one among them who can find the time to sit out in the sun and listen.

security fail...

recently i had to have proof of my social security card…like, the physical card. wait, i got it. it’s in my wallet. no, i switched wallets. it’s in my other one; the little pink one. now, to figure out which purse i was carrying when i got "new" wallet.

i have a front closet that i put my purses in…whew. but, wait, i have some hanging in the bedroom too…aaand there’s a couple in the spare bedroom.  

let the digging begin. last bag i used, big ole bag, must be in there somewhere…nope, on to the one before that…i remember exactly, the seasons had just changed & i felt like double flaps with a retro inspired strap. crappers…no dice!

*let me just interject really quick…i may look put together (or not) on the outside, but seriously, i’m a disaster. *my name is ash & i am a hot mess! there, i confess. & i can’t ever find anything, especially if i need it. ridiculously unorganized. i admire those who are super simplistic, in that they own just a few necessities. wait, do i know these people? but i digress…

purses, handbags, satchels…one after another & no luck; & i must’ve been through 9 or more. but, i did find some pretty interesting things. you see, when i change bags, i only take out the things i use/need that day…wallet, glasses, burt’s bees, paperback. the rest of the crap is left in there. does anyone else do this? please say “yes…of course, it’s in the lady handbook!”

so amidst the hunt for this important legal document that i am in dire need of, here is a list of the truly awesome stuff that i DID find…true story.

·         7 tampons

·         mints

·         misshapened chocolates…what a waste

·         4 gift cards that need balances (if any) checked

·         “lost” sunglasses

·         passport…yay (i knew it was in there…ha)

·         birthday card…christmas card…card i meant to mail (whoops)

·         note pad

·         12 or so pens

·         lip smackers (grape)…lip gloss…lipstick holder

·         pirate eye patch

·         stickers/tattoos

·         nursing shield (i guess i went way back!)

·         bonus card

·         5 bazillion receipts

·         pay stubs

·         34 cent stamp

     

      ·         cheerios AND teddy grahams…loose, mind you

      ·         empty baby wipe container

      ·         expired coupons

      ·         rabies tag/certificate

      ·         burp cloth

·         half empty packs of gum (one per bag, it seemed)

      

      ·         2007 day planner. never used…any takers?

boo hoo, no social security card. & all that work. i’m not worried, my license/birth certificate/passport filled the void. i’m legit. & i’ll find that stupid card in a week or so when the moment has passed.

*i have to laugh though because of my buddy, mark p, who writes a hilarious blog…whatwhitechickscherish.blogspot.com. i’m sure he would appreciate the “big ass bag” madness. he predicts this sort of thing...hmm, esp?

& also, if you’re wondering, did i find this opportunity to throw out these totally random finds? um, no…i was too involved with the issue at hand! besides, i’ll clean all that stuff later…when i want to use the bag again. just kidding, i at least tossed the cookies (no pun, intended), the candy, & makeup-y, old grossness. papers & such remain. c’est la vie!