i saw jesus in blue jeans...

i’m not sure about your supermarket, but mine seems to be booming with men between 3:30 & 5:00pm during the week. what time do i usually have to run to the store? not on purpose. this is just my errand opportunity between work/picking monkey up from school & dinnertime! don’t need a man…i got me one. (not that the grocery would provide my prowl time, but whatever works. thank goodness that i haven’t a clue!)

it never fails. men of all ages everywhere…i mean, i guess that they’re single or retired or just tired; who knows really. but they are definitely present & make their presence known. now, i’m not a super young, hot thang, but i know i’m not totally unfortunate either. it’s just very strange feeling eyes on you when you’re shopping for deodorant, toilet paper, etc. i mean, let’s be honest, not every trip to the store will (if ever) result in the makings of a lobster thermidor dish, ingredients for a soufflé, &/or several bottles of wine (oh la la!). i don’t buy anything remotely sexy or glamorous or french, for that matter (wait, do croissants count?) regular gal…right here. i love to cook & try new things, but the most exciting thing in my basket might be oysters (if they’re in season, on sale, & pretty), tofu, & a kid cuisine a la monkey’s taste du jour!

but back to the story at hand. neighborhood grocery = meat market…no pun intended. oh, it’s all types, & i’m not discriminating; young, old, blue collar, white collar, uniformed (or as monkey says ‘community workers.’) & i’m generally a nice person, actually no, a very nice person. i smile at people; say “hello.” but it has almost gotten to the point where i hate to make eye contact! i just want to run in & out...done! & don’t think that your kids are a deterrent either, ladies…it’s almost like they look at you & think “heyyy, she’s been all the way!”

one afternoon, not unlike any other, i zoomed home from work, grabbed a quick lunch & then headed to the school to sit in the carpool line. while i sat, i made out my grocery list. this was gonna be a big trip…we were out of everything! school let out & there was my side kick! it was the average “how was your day? what was your favorite part? here’s your DS…oh, & we get to run to the store right quick!” (& with DS, he’ll gladly travel.)

we get to the store & start the rounds. i notice this gentleman in the produce. he’s looking straight at me, so i smile & continue on my route. an aisle goes by & i turn down another. there he is…again. okay, occupational hazard (because the grosh & i are tight…i’m waiting to start getting a paycheck, i’m there so often.) another look, another smile…carrying on. but i keep running into this man on every single aisle. & we’re always heading in opposite directions, so as to pass in plain sight. i get halfway into the store & decide to head down to the dairy area & work my way back up. whew, avoidance is working.

finally, the last items on the list. just one more trek down to where the sodas & goldfish are. omg! there he is. he is a crazy stalker man. (panic attack...breathe) nah, surely he’s been debating between wheat thins or triscuits for the past 15 minutes. (i mean, who wouldn’t.)

& it happens. he speaks. (seriously? crap!)

man:  “hey there.”

me:   “um, hello.” (here it comes, just not sure what)

man:  “we keep running into each other.”

me:  “uh-huh.” (duh, it’s a grocery store, we’re both shopping crazy stalker man!)

man:  “you look so familiar to me.”

(oh, now that’s original)

man: “are you leon’s daughter?”

me:  “um, yes sir.”

man:  “i thought so. we go to church together. he directed me in a play years ago. i was ‘Jesus!’ you played mary, right?”

me:  “oh, hello. yes sir, i did. yep, leon, that’s my dad…leon.” (oh, the embarrassment! can he read my mind? reddening…reddening fast & how many times am i gonna say leon?)

man:  “well, tell him i said ‘hello!’ haven’t seen him in awhile. & your mom.”

me:  “yes, sir, i will. my dad, leon. & my mom.”

monkey:  “who was that, mommy?"

me:  “Jesus”

monkey:  "cool, really?"

me: "no, baby. not really. just kidding…let’s get outta here!”

moral to this story, you ask? people constantly surprise me & throw me off. i don’t always do well in these situations. strangers make me forget to buy goldfish!

"i wanna rock right now"...

did you do it? did you go there…”i’m rob base & i came to get down?!” 

*oh, yea...disclaimer: i, ash, cannot be held responsible for any funky fun diddies that may/may not creep into your being. & moving on...if you answered yes, then welcome to my world where my brain instantly plays one bazillion songs throughout a single day. it’s a shame that i cannot comprehend truly important facts. the other day, someone mentioned the 4^th of july coming up, to which i replied “r.o.c.k. in the usa….ye-yea, rockin’ in the usa!” (which was quickly followed by “and crown thy good with brotherhood” in my opera-ish voice.) i don’t even realize that i’m doing it, folks. & more than often, it’s out loud! i get looks…it’s cool. the people i work with are so used to it by now, & i’m sure that they love me when i get random songs stuck in their heads. (insert sarcasm here)

it doesn’t help that i’m easily distracted anyways, but like if we’re having a conversation & you say a totally normal word, bam…involuntary song selection. for example…the word ‘stop’…”collaborate & listen,” am I right?! or if someone’s telling a story about something that someone else said…”i got something to say…” & poof, i’m danzig.

my derby coach (back when i skated) would count down the time between getting to practice & actually beginning (getting your stuff on, on the track, etc.) & when he’d get to 6 minutes, i’d be singing “6 minutes, 6 minutes, 6 minutes, doug e fresh you’re on…o-o-on.”

it doesn’t even have to be the right lyrics…i can maneuver any words into a tune. i make up songs all the time for monkey, which usually ends in “mom, stop singing!” or “that was a really bad one!” his not so favorite was when I asked him if he was ever getting out of the bathtub. his response “never!” for some reason that triggered a warrant song & so i responded “got a picture of your butt & it’s standing in a towel…never isn’t too far away!” perhaps he was particularly grumpy at that moment. maybe he doesn’t care for 80’s hair bands. but I personally found amusement in it.

then there are the songs that i can complete upon hearing even a blip of it. these new commercials that are incorporating old songs into the advertisement are killing me. after a few hours of running around town, etc. i’ll wonder why i’ve been singing the the all freaking day…”this is the day, you’re life will surely change.” then, like a light bulb turning on, i’ll remember an m&ms commercial that was on earlier as i was leaving the house. (great song, btw.) or they’ll have their own catchy tunes...anyone familiar with this one? “in my swagger wagon, in my swagger wagon…” props to the ad team at sienna for this gem…seriously! (think i only sang it for a month?! & now it's been revisited...sweet!) & now, i just want to share...

the hubs sent me a text a few nights back saying he was on his way home…i sang “ooh, i’m on my way-e-e, home sweet home. tonight, tonight…” until he did!

other fun ones that have popped up just this week: (because I know you’re dying to know)

• helped a lady find a book on nursery rhymes. “the humpty dance is your chance to do the hump.” (digital underground)
• arguing over something petty with monkey. “if you complain once more, you’ll meet an army of me.” (bjork)
• men fixing the roof. “when this old world starts getting me down…up on the roof.” (the drifters)
• hubs looked cute for work. “why’d ya come in here looking like that?” (dolly parton)
• 2 straight days of thunderstorms. “ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.” (bill withers)

*are you still reading this? “too much time on my hands…t-t-t-ticking away.” (STYX) just kidding...i do appreciate each & every reader! "and if you threw a party. invited everyone you knew. you would see the biggest gift would be from me & the card attached would say 'thank you for being a friend!'" (andrew gold)

greatest man i ever met...

i recently went to the store in hopes of scoring a few father’s day cards; two for the hubs (one from me, one from monkey) & one for my pops. i must’ve read every single card! who else spends an insane amount of time on cards like i do? can i get a what what?!

i found the 2 easily enough for hubby; a cute one & a sweet one, but for my own dear ole dad, that was a different story. nothing fit us. how do i thank an incredible man for teaching me virtually everything with a card that is either too childish, too mushy gushy, or just plain cheesy! & not that i don’t appreciate a funny card, i swear i do, but this year was different for me. extra sentimental, perhaps; maybe my “lady” emotions were getting the better of me. who knows? but whatever it was/is, i decided i’d develop my own card, if you will…my personal tribute. (suck on that, hallmark!)  

pop was born in 1939…a scorpio. (hey, just like me!) he grew up in a totally different time from today & has watched as things have changed, evolved, & then swung back around again. my grandfather served in WWII where he met up with patton’s army. he returned safely home to his wife, estelle (my middle name) & raised two children. (whew…thank goodness)

a childhood of classic southern americana included drive-ins, sock hops, malt shops…buzz cuts, letterman's jackets, bobby socks & oxfords…boys who walked young ladies home, opened their doors, & blushed at the thought of a kiss...family vacations, a mother at home, and a hardworking, but ever present dad...the simple small town life. pop also knew early on that music was in his blood. he played several different instruments & took his band the LTD’S on the road in the summertime to play at the bowery in myrtle beach on the weekends.

after high school, dad joined the navy (1960) which led him into battle & flight. his naval career included both ‘the bay of pigs’ (1961) & hurricane hunting. he speaks fondly of his times in puerto rico where he met, then young up & comer, dee dee sharp! he is such a wonderful story teller; so descriptive that you can almost visualize everything as he spins the tales.

when he came back home to mullins, sc, he found himself back in the music game & taught band in washington, dc for several years.

but, the south always brings people back home…he met my mother in 1972 at 'south of the border.' there, he asked her & her baby daughter (my big sissy) out on a date. they married months later. my mom swears it was because she had a color tv set & he only had a small black & white. whatever works…they’re still together!

then in 1976, a miracle was born…ME! (totally kidding, making sure you were still paying attention!)

anyways, there are million & one things that could describe my pop, but i’ll break it down into the things that i most remember & admire about him. most attributes inherited or adopted over the years...we are almost like the same person at times!

·         doting & proud pop. never laid guilt trips. always showed interest in our hobbies; dance recitals, sports, etc.

·         made me appreciate sports & be a team player.

·         music, music, music. taught me big band, jazz…’blood, sweat, & tears’

·         beer in a can & pipe tobacco. peanut butter & sweet iced tea.

·         hawaii 5-O…”book him, dano!”

·         G.Gordon Liddy

·         washington redskins fan. the reason i love football!

·         lover of books & old things. (sound familiar?)

·         never cussed. if he ever said “damn,” (once in a blue moon) you better sit up straight & zip the lip.

·         loves train sets, models, & cake decorating. civil war reinactments.

·         held his own under domination of 3 girls…& still does.

·         workaholic by default. never complained. sensational work ethic.

·         always saved me from trouble. (spit balls in elementary school, smoking in the bathroom in middle school, etc) he never fussed & he never told my mom!

·         doesn’t discuss issues he’s not precise or knowledgeable in. doesn’t harp on religion or politics. he knows where his heart stands & that’s good enough for him.

·         borrowed his clothes as opposed to the girls living in the household. still wear an old keystone cops tee that i stole, i mean borrowed, years ago. it’s my all time fave.

·         sci/fi channel.

·         witty sense of humor. able to turn crappy situations into comfortable ones.

·         always there physically & emotionally. & as irreverent & sassy as i am at times, still loves me…thanks, pop!

"survey said"...

so, i totally love knowing the ins & outs of people’s minds. what they like, don’t like, & varying views on certain topics; especially when i get to ask simple questions & then sit back & absorb the answers. & oh, of course, share them. information is knowledge, & knowledge can be liberating.

now, before you get your wheels spinning on political, analytical, or other worldly events that i may have new insights on…take a sec to chill & grab a glass of wine (or whatever) because it’s not that type of social experiment. think of it as a cosmo-esque q&a, or as one contributor put it “penthouse forum” of sorts…without the gross stuff, no offense mr. guccione…r.i.p.

in the past, i have turned to my lady friends for input when fashioning a solution to a problem or experience that i was having myself. (it helps to know you’re not alone.) but, this time, i was feeling a little curious (much like a teeny bopper or a single woman, which most know, i have been neither in quite some time) so i called on the guys to help me out! the question i posed was simple…what is “it?” what do you find attractive about the opposite sex?  *which affects me still in a sense. not from “other” guys, but because i don’t want to be so comfortable that i forget to pay attention to the things that attracted the hubs to me in the first place, right? right? anyway, i’m about to break it down, folks. from head to toe. enjoy.

hair:  yes, this was mentioned. most of the guys preferred shoulder length or longer. curls or wavy…some kind of bounce or body to it. short hair wasn’t particularly attractive, unless it had some sort of “edge” or style to it. no “mama” haircuts. *so that’s why my victoria’s secret catalog is still in the bathroom…it’s all about the hair! color was never brought up. i was kind of expecting the blond vs brunette vs red head issue to be resolved…hmm, i may never know.

face: eyes were a hit among a few fellas…what, with the  whole “windows to the soul” analogy. color, again, of no importance. & other characteristics that were admired were lips, cheekbones, jawline, neck, & “a smile that lights up a room.”

body:  now, when i started this questionnaire, i was certain it would revolve around a certain body part (which it did) but in my head, i was singing “i must, i must, i must increase my bust!” little did i know that the guys would be singing “i like big butts & i cannot lie!” oh, the booty. & hips, i can’t forget the hips. i believe i got visuals such as jlo & kim k…”rockin”…"sits nicely, not lays, on the leg"...”ass man”…i get it, guys! (& panty lines are annoying....fyi.) 

boobs were not especially a turn on or off; size didn’t matter much. except in one case where boobs were referred to as “kryptonite!” (which is such guy terminology & i totally lol’d!)

extras (because it really is the whole package):  sense of humor!! being able to laugh, laugh at oneself, etc was a huge law in attraction among this group! a good cocktail of sassiness, healthy sarcasm, sweetness, & “smart ass.” (nice!) overall femininity; manicured, takes good care of herself, a nice fragrance (not “stripper vanilla”), etc. music lovers welcome & appreciated. (if you play the guitar, that’s even more awesome…true story.) creative. ethical. must loves kids. givers, not takers.

*recap:  do you have a nice smile, soulful eyes? do you love to laugh & enjoy life? do you have a nice ass? then, yay for you, lady! *did i mention “ass?” just kidding…it’s cool, we (gals) are checking out your (guys) ass-ets too!

wow, i learned a lot…seriously. the results were somewhat refreshing, but mostly hilarious. in fact, i’ll leave you with my favorite quote from all my responses:

“i likes my womens where i likes my news…on the INTERNET”...*rim shot*

a tree for all seasons...

you said it, bub. like you have no idea how many seasons we have celebrated with this ONE blasted tree that has blessed our house. it has been so fantastic to be the recipient of the love it has bestowed upon us over the years. if you’re starting to catch a hint of sarcasm, then you don’t need too much of a legend to sort through this mess o’ map i’m about to lay down. 

most people, or we (hubs & i), want to be the nice guy. why not be the nice guy? the good neighbor? for instance, we had an obvious dead pine in the backyard. every time someone sneezed, i swear it swayed! plus, it was headed for our neighbor's house...where the little boy's bedroom was. it had to come down. so we called this guy & he came over with a chainsaw in one hand & a beer in the other. holy cow, to see him climb up & cut it down was like watching a train wreck; nerve wracking. i even did one of those catholic air cross thingys...yea, totally not even catholic, it just felt right. he knew what he was doing though, didn't take a super long time,  & "here's a check for you, buddy"...done! that's what people do. 

fortunately, for the other end, we’ve been able to uphold this exterior as the neighborly kind, as whenever a tree falls…we do hear a sound; from the mighty oak & from the check book…cha-ching! it’s ridiculous how good we are…i say we, but mean he. the hubs, he’s amazing awesome! it’s so irritating to have a limb or whatever crash onto 1) a bedroom bathroom and send an heirloom picture frame & 2 bottles over 100 years old flying into the shower tile 2) an ac unit (which are quite expensive to replace…fyi) 3) your toddler’s bedroom ceiling (gasp!) or 4) eventually have half a freaking tree (scarily) hole up the damn roof! oh, & we got a new roof. tired of patching holes & crying in silence over destroyed things that could not be replaced…we got a new roof! i believe it cost US though because well, be it a neighbor’s tree or someone in sacramento…it was not dead, people, duh. wait…what?!

even an “act of God,” does not mean that a tree which destroys your house & personal timeline, in general, (& not on your property) will be covered by said tree “owner.” if the tree isn’t declared dead, guess who is stuck with the hassle? ME!

so, we recently had a crazy thunderstorm with winds that were so loud & strong it scared monkey. (okay...me too, but i couldn't show it.) then the inevitable happened…yep, tree. same tree. the rest of same tree. BOOM! (my child was glued to me for hours after until he finally fell asleep.) on top of the eave of 6 month old roof & across the front yard ending at the driveway & scratching/minorly denting the truck (sigh) lay the tree. the hubs swears he must’ve been a lumberjack in a previous life, resulting in the hatred from this tree. maybe God hates us…or, as a witty friend suggested, HE just didn’t care for the landscaping in the front yard!

ugh, i was heartbroken…defeated. what will the insurance say this time? would we pay, again? would they freaking drop us all together. seriously not what we wanted to deal with, but we were safe & that was all that mattered.

after about a week of waiting…waiting…& yes, more waiting, we finally heard those magical words…”that tree is dead.” thank you, thank you, thank you! we already knew this, but it didn’t matter until an arborist said it & an insurance adjuster said it. (we aren’t PROfessionals…what do we know?! we just have to live with it.)

the first several days were quite draining & depressing to venture outside to stumble upon such a mess. after snapping every inch with the camera, clean-up had to commence. luckily, a gentlemen stopped by the house & inquired about the wood. supposedly, it’s good stuff, & it was going away to somewhere...any where as far as we were concerned. a couple days later he was back with his chainsaw & loaded up his truck. he’s coming back for the rest this week! (it’s a whole lot of tree, ya’ll) now, because of hubs & kind stranger, over half the front yard is clear & loverly again. *a trip to the nursery is needed by moi to add some color back.

oh, & for future anxiety…tree no more, well, it has a brother joined at the roots. isn’t that exciting? i’m sure those carpenter ants & termites who hollowed out the first tree have found a very nice home in this one. & this particular tree will surely split our house right down the middle. keep your fingers crossed that upon recommendation, it will be taken down…like, soon! we have led by example long enough. time for some one else to be the “nice guy!”

my childhood is calling...

did you ever want to be a United Colors of Benetton kid? did you want anything to come between you & your Calvin’s?  remember shasta? (tab was for grown-ups) sit & spins? mother may i? * if any of this is ringing a bell, which i hope it is, then you were a child of the 80’s. (the most awesome time, but i’m super biased) & these are some of my fondest memories…ready to go back in time with me? “red liiiiiiiight…GREEN LIGHT!” let’s go…

•      i remember waiting by the radio, an empty cassette inside, ready to push record for that song i’d been dying to play over & over. now, this was way before Napster, share sites, etc…so, was i a pirate back in the day without realizing it?
•          young folks…did you know that MTV used to play music videos? i mean, like all the time. that was their schtick, their deal!. it was awesome to watch your fave song turned into a piece of visual art. (no such thing as youtube.com)  they had “veejays” that would keep you hip on the music scene & if you wanted to know what was going on in the world, kurt loder would hook you up.
•          calling people meant actually memorizing their number…can you believe it? i knew all of my friends digits by heart. these days, without my phone, i am screwed. i’ve even had to ask the hubs what my own number was when giving it to people.
•      playing outside was the ultimate entertainment. & we played…we played hard. mainly because mothers just didn’t let kids run in & out the house. you were to stay outside until dinner or sunset or whatever; just as long as when your momma did call for you, you were close enough to scamper home!
•      my pop used to make this home-made slip n slide for my sister & me. i’m talking 20 feet of clear plastic goodness hosed down with water & dishwashing detergent. man, would we fly. & of course, find scrapes & bruises later on from the occasional pine cone or stick that wasn’t spotted earlier. we simply didn’t care…it was the best (& cheapest) way to beat the summer heat!
•      saturday morning was when you got your cartoon fix. up at the crack out of dawn to nosh on cold cereal & watch Scooby doo, Snorks, Strawberry Shortcake, or Thundercats…”HO!!” but the best was JEM…she was “truly outrageous!” (& i’ll admit it…i was a KIDS incorporated junkie! who knew, fergie, who knew?)
•      i absolutely loved Punky Brewster! & sported the raddest book bag to show my support.
•      COPS is the first “reality” show i can remember. then the real world came out. total strangers forced to live in a house…what a concept? funny now to think that was ever an original idea!
•      ‘paradise theater’…STYX…was the coolest album ever. plus, it had that holographic image on one side of the lp…totally cool, totally! but really, on that  note…80’s music, in general, was the best! for real, some of the greatest tunes that i still listen to every single day!
•      i would love to have my old parachute pants & a pair of jams. remember those? rocking the neon headbands/earrings & the tiny buttons all over the jean jacket. (the whole duran duran button set stolen from my sister) or better yet…where you a “member’s only?”  *i come across vintage pieces in thrift stores or specialty shops & usually snatch them up. a little mix & match, ya know?! i will never let go of that era…i won’t do it.
•      i had a little red pillow that i would shove under my t-shirt & strut around singing ‘9 to 5!’ i still want to be dolly when i grow up!
•      ahh, the fair & the wonderful carni culture that we all know & love. the games were the best. enter the image of my dad (most likely) spending way too much money to shoot out the star on the paper or flip the frog or toss the rings. all so that my sister & i could “win” a goldfish in a bag or feather clips or the little mirrors with the "hair band" lasered onto it. & wow, we’d wear those feathers in our hair like we were so cool. we had no clue that they were actually roach clips…HA! *btw, the Himalayan is still my all time fave fair ride…”do ya wanna go fast-errrr?”  
•          did you peg roll your jeans, wear 2-3 pairs of socks, & virtually as many swatch watches at a time as you could? yea, we were awesome!
•      in 6^th grade, my older sister’s boyfriend made me a mixed tape. it featured the ramones, 7 seconds, & the misfits...to name a few. i had been introduced to a whole new world beyond the old school country/folk, big band, jazz, & pop that i was used to. & i was in love. fast forward to every genre of music becoming sought out & embraced. heavy metal phase…check. punk, grunge, riot girl rage…check, check, check. i had every lollapa-lilith fair compilation of bands & so on.
•      tiger beat, anyone? i can still see the duran duran & the matt dillon posters (with his the guess who t-shirt on) that hung on the wall of the bedroom. i was gonna either marry matt or nick rhodes. later on, i would resolve this issue…his name was johnny from jumpstreet!!
•      i remember the occasional family game night. yahtzee & sorry were the games of choice, but i loved pente because you could use “diamonds” or “rubies.”
•         fashion plates…just wonderful!! how awesome would it be to get a hold of some? i would play for hours…seriously!
•      boy, have video game graphics come a bazillion miles since atari…but what a great place to start!

wow, going back to simpler times is a fun little escape. it’s amazing how much things change, but essentially stay the same. i think it’s all in how you view the world. i mean, we have to be adults, but every now & then, i have to remind myself to see things as a child; innocently, sweetly, & not so serious. it really does make life better & smoother. thanks for traveling with me, guys. even if this wasn’t your “era,” your childhood is calling isn’t it? go ahead, answer!