so, how did i get here? let me start at the beginning...i am terrified of clowns!! not because of 'IT,' granted i've never made it through that movie in it's entirety. (and i'm totally telling my age) but when i was little i adored "the bozo show." cooky was hilarious, plus i always wanted to play the grand prize game & win cool prizes. i never really put clowns into a whole "scary" catergory. clowns are funny & nice, right? then, it happened...i saw 'Poltergeist.' now, people, when a movie comes out, a scary movie, do not let your children watch it! i was like 7 or 8, (i just remember it being a vhs rental from the video store) and the freaking clown doll in that movie has haunted my dreams ever since. while i watch horror movies & love psychological thrillers...if there is a damn clown, i lose my mind...to this day! that is until i met a very unexpected friend.

once upon a time, this clumsy girl right here played an awesome sport called flat track roller derby. seriously, i did! anyways, i am always amazed by events & people that are introduced into our lives. i don't know why, but i have stumbled upon some pretty cool peeps that have impacted my life in some shape or form; at the risk of over-analyzing, i'll leave it at that!
in october of 2009, i was getting ready for a bout with my derby team, the richland county regulators (http://www.richlandcountyregulators.com/). i remember being super excited because it was the hubs & my anniversary, so i had a little special something in the program & everything. i had been working hard & feeling in sync with my other teammates. finally, i was confident in myself & this was a big bout for me! but what i didn't know at the time, it would also be my last. an hour before the first whistle, we're all in the dressing room. last call for numbers sharpied on arms, threatening eyeliner painted on, one more banana for the road, & just getting pumped in general. now, i had seen "the clown" before. he's an incredible announcer for the sport. but from far away...a distance. not too too bad. this day i would see him even closer, as in, at the door of the dressing room handing out stickers for our helmets, bags, whatever. "holy crap, holy crap...don't look, don't look...breathe, breathe"...serious panic. i know it sounds really dumb, but this is my fear! i did not cry...or physically fall apart though. i couldn't. i had to play roller derby, remember?
i don't recall much between my first jam & the brick wall that i ended up sliding into. it's on tape somewhere, that i never revisited. i did, however, see this picture about a week later.

photo credit: A Boy Named Tsunami

this is "the clown" kneeling for me while the e.m.t.s checked me out track-side, or rather off of the track where i landed. i was used to getting the crud knocked out of me, & jumping back up. that day, i did not!
for some reason, this picture was quite possibly the least threatening thing i had ever seen. maybe it was the black & white shot...maybe i couldn't worry about silly fears as i laid leg up, iced, & with an intense dependancy to ibuprofen! but i did know one thing, i was a jerk face! i decided that day that "the clown"...that clown was the only one i couldn't be afraid of.

fast-forward to over a year of a new friendship with martin. who is, by the way, 11 years into special fx makeup. i have seen several pictures of his work on himself & other people, so it was only fitting that he help me overcome this crazy phobia once & for all. i was ecstatic when he agreed to my proposition. & as a bonus, he was gonna throw in a zombie makeover...yay, cos well, i'm not particularly fond of them either. too slow...creep me out! & so i was the walking dead for trivia night at a bar in west columbia (above) & ahh, a clown at, none other than, a roller derby bout. poetic, don't you think?
i was curious as to how he got interested in all of this..."the clown" persona; turning someone into a scary artistic vision...

i was fascinated by the makeup and i wanted to try my hand at it.

he also adds:

once i was bit by that bug, i looked everywhere to learn everything i could and i still pick up new things. i have miles to go before i will ever become satisfied with my techniques and skill set.

spoken like a true artist!! i wonder if martin knew when he first applied to be a monster in the netherworld haunted house in atlanta, ga. that he would fall in love with this world?
i think you're pretty dang awesome, friend!
**oh, & me as a clown??

me & martin...friends forever :)

dream a little dream...

or a big one or a scary one, but do you remember them? i do, i do! i'm not exactly sure if this is a blessing or a curse. (not to sound like peter parker) but, this fact about moi doesn't make money or clean my house. it just is. i would never wish them away. i've been dreaming vividly since i was a little girl. & i almost always remember them. some as soon as i wake up, & others come to me as the day wears on like deja vu. they range from silly to serious to frightening. however, there's only been 1 or 2 that have woken me up; shaken, in tears, or both. for whatever reason, these have occurred more than once...same scenarios, same weirdness.
i absolutely, positively have no freaking clue what they mean! researching now for several years (seriously) just out of curiosity; books, online dream dictionaries, but nada info for some reason. apparently, i dream about things that i cannot find remotely similar words that might describe them. or i will dream about teeth, but not falling out or crumbling, like most reads have suggested as a sign of vanity. i just remember teeth in there somewhere...they weren't the focus!! sooo, does it mean the same thing?
the closest i've come to understanding a hand full is simply using common sense. i understand that under stress or anxiety, i will compartmentalize certain things. this usually results in an explosion of 2 weeks worth of work, home, a conversation had, & a movie star seen in an interview all rolled into one shot!
& then there are the, dare i say prophetic & some times ominous dreams. events that take place post dream. babies not born yet down to the detail such as eyes, nose, hair. dreams about people i haven't seen or thought of in years & then running into them or their name brought up in conversation a week later. a proposal or breakup. an accident or illness. these are the dreams that freak me out! & if they're not about me, then who? i'm very careful to share these dreams, or omit details to avoid being dealt the "liar, liar, pants on fire" card. i mean how the hell do you explain it? i sure can't. & what was up with the lady on my roof riding the stationary bike in last night's episode? (she was new)
if anyone out there is fluent in dreams, please let me know. are they just manifestations of my crazy mind? why do certain situations trigger memories of them? am i just not getting enough sleep? is there some kind of way to control them or use the puzzle pieces to solve problems?
you're wondering if you should call the men in the white coats right now, aren't you?

sign o' my times...

i'm not getting older...i'm not getting older...i'm not getting...who am i kidding? all the signs are totally there. and truth is, i'm not actually that old! i mean, not like super old (of course 40, 50, & 60 year olds seem younger to me everyday). so why are all these obvious & sometimes embarrassing things occurring all of a sudden. or am i just now recognizing them? either way, they're there/here/now! 
and maybe it's just me...but let's see if you can relate, shall we?! are you sitting? enter at own risk (don't say i didn't warn ya) & i hope you've taken your anti-depressant today.


-no more all-nighters without serious consequences...mental & physical.
-i catch myself humming along to the musaq in an elevator or department store, then realize it was my prom &/or wedding song!
-make up is now essential. no, scratch that...mandatory!
-due to childbirth or some sick biological joke, i am forced to wear clinical strength deodorant to avoid sweating profusely.
-i have a receding hair line...awesome! but thanks to the pioneering efforts of tyra banks, the 5 finger forehead is somewhat cute. or i'll just trim up the ole bangs tomorrow!
-my teeth are too sensitive for regular toothpaste now. i get to use the $6 variety.
-my neck & reverse bicep are apparently in a race to see who can resemble a bird first.
-tweens/teens are crazy, loud, & spastic as hell!! then i remember, so was i 20 some odd years ago.
-TUMS is quickly becoming my favorite four-letter word.
-i find myself coveting other people's beautiful lawns.
-i am totally in love with my front loaders!
-i can still "drop it like it's hot!" it just takes a minute to jump back up.
-i catch myself tearing up when i hear of a marriage &/or birth announcement from the little kids i used to babysit.
-the more i investigate healthcare & social security, the more terrified i get.
-i actually have a 'bucket list!'
-certain aches & pains lead me to believe a chance of rain is in the forecast.
-i know that most of the actors for "harry potter" & "twilight" are of legal age, but i still think of chris hansen when i swoon a little too much.
-i find the words of my mother & father flying out of my mouth before i can stop them.
-i'm the proud owner of all those coupons in line at the grocery store...suck it!
-my child kicks my butt in the memory game...& i stopped letting him win 2 years ago.
-i have more than a few each of boxes marked halloween & xmas stuff in the attic.
-i swear i only have one "good side," (if any at all) when it comes to pictures.
-being lazy & not doing housework makes me feel like i'm letting june cleaver down. (this usually passes fairly quickly though)


any signs of your times yet? it's gonna happen & there's really nothing i can do but laugh! i'm sure there's more...they'll come to me later when i can't sleep & i'm wondering how many licks it actually does take to get the center of a tootsie roll pop!

"the place of justice is a hallowed place"

several weeks ago i received a large manila envelope in the mail. it was thick, a little weight on it, with a little window with my clearly typed name peeking through. it looked official. not official, like those silly IMPORTANT NOTICES proclaim; where you have to rip each side off & then the top because, wait for it..."you are approved for a bazillion dollars!" woo...sign me up! no, this hefty little non junk, non ad, non bill was in fact a summons from the United States District Court-District of SC.  
O-FFI-CIAL! 
i opened it up to find this basically blank manuscript to  fill out...insert the bio of your life here! it started simple enough...name, residence, current job, past jobs, hobbies...wait, hobbies? um, o...k. then it got to the good stuff. have you ever been? have you ever done? do you know someone who is? would you be able to make a judgement based purely on facts? sure. enter samuel l. & a time to kill..."yes, they deserved to die. i hope they burn in hell!" totally kidding! but seriously, this packet of questions went on for pages & pages.
the helpful hub reminded me right away to fill this out & send it back...pronto! because they can come after you, etc. gee, thanks honey! that eases my mind. but i did complete it the next day or so & it hit the mail box. now, it was a waiting game...i had to call back in 10 days to see whether i was upstanding enough of a citizen to "potentially" be a juror. 10 days later (like a good girl), i did & i was! 


fast forward to this morning...frantically running to get downtown by 8:30 am. hardly any sleep, due to the fact that i may oversleep. anybody else do that? anyhow, because i'm terrified of being late & possibly being held in some sort of contempt (again, between what i know from tv/movies about law & the hub putting weird things in my head...i make myself crazy) i am on time...phew! & it's another waiting game. 


what's interesting about this particular morning was that every one there, or the juror qualifiers, were from SC...obviously. & since it was US District Court; that meant all over SC. almost every county was represented, and now i was surrounded by my fellow south carolinians. the large waiting area wasn't too bad. coffee, bottled water, television, restrooms. people able to move about freely & chit chat, but over all, fairly silent. 
so, i was born & raised here & i am totally used to the different accents/drawls. however, i never stopped to think how tricky the word "jury" is here in the south. it can either mean "i may have to serve on a jury" or "you been to that shop yet? they have some purty jury!" i also met a quiet talker/mumbler. could not understand a damn thing. i just smiled & nodded. THEN I HEARD IT. no way! i freeze, but a snicker escapes. i'm dying inside as i can't help but overhear a lady with...how does will ferrell put it? oh, yea...voice immodulation syndrome. now, i'm not heartless, & i think this is an actual disorder; it's just that in my head, all i could picture was ferrell's character 'jacob silj' on 'weekend update.'
i'll just say, thank goodness that i am always prepared with a paperback in the ole bag. and today was no different as my saving graces were the hilarious essays of sloane crosley...the 3 hours of just sitting & waiting to be called would have sucked without her!  
so finally, it was my turn to go in with my group. we did role call...you hear your number, stand, and say "present!" oh crap...my immaturity kicks in. attendance commences. "#14?"..."present." (don't say president, don't say president) "#127?"..."present." (please don't say president) "#131?"..."present!" aaand breathe...that was a close one. 
after the whole spiel of charges, case info, etc. we are recessed again for final selection. out in the lobby, i immediately gravitate towards a huge window...yes, some sunshine! & that's where i see the words large & bold.

the place of justice is a hallowed place 

                        ~Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626)


so, long story short...i know, too late. it wasn't yet time for #131 to serve her country. probably because i kind of wanted to! sometimes, an amusing day like this is just that, without any super fantastic ending. & maybe some day i'll make lady justice proud...or whatever!

penny for my thoughts?

i'm not sure why certain ridiculous things keep me up in the middle of the night. but they do. i wonder about the dumbest things...did astronauts ever truly love tang? can your baby really learn to read? what is the employee discount at the dollar store? did the awful movie reviews for "gigli" break ben affleck & j-lo up? (yes, i'm still wondering this years later) or perhaps the annoyance of the whole name generator trend? because if anyone referred to me & the hubs as jasley or ashon, i would feel resentment.
and when i'm wide-eyed in the wee hours thinking about this nonsense, i write imaginary letters in my head.

dear ginsu knife,
     i know you can cut through a rusty ass can & then perfectly slice a tomato, creating (what i'm sure is) a lovely tetanus salad. but can you cleanly cut the crust off of a bologna or pb&j sandwich? that's all this consumer momma needs to know.

dear spanx,
      i love you...i do! but am supposed to (at times) have sci fi boobs as a result?

dear calgon,
      your ads are full of crap...just sayin'!

dear lean cuisine,
      why does it take at least 2...okay, 3 (on a bad day) to feel satiated? i think i've gained weight.

dear shamwow,
      good call on that spokesperson!

dear pajama jeans,
       i'll take two pair...& i'll alternate with my "mom jeans!" ps. if i act now, can i get a bumper sticker that reads "MILD...mom i least desire?"

dear jupiter jack,
      that particular station...99.3...that allows me to be "hands free" totally doesn't work where i live. sooo, thanks...for nothing.

dear ramen noodles,
      thanks for being you! keep up the good work.

dear "age-defying" product commercials,
       could you actually use real women over 25 who own a pair of well earned lines &/or stretch marks?

dear flowbee,
       how ya been? how are sales these days?

dear victoria,
       the jig is up...totally on to your "secret!"

dear shake weight,
       i'm sure your "dynamic inertia technology" is great. the problem is, i laugh so freakin hard at your commercial, that my abs end up with the workout & i totally forget about my droopy arms!

dear butt face towel,
       thanks for clearly marking "butt" on one side. phew...you have no idea how many times i've gotten confused & accidentally dried my butt & face with the same side of the towel.

dear gigantic cupcake mold,
      i don't know why you annoy me so much...you just do!

dear chia,
     by offering both a serious chia Obama & a happy chia Obama, you've really created quite a conundrum. will i ever be able to choose? YES I CAN!

faux pas? i say "NAH!"...

first of all, i'm thrifty, not cheap...big difference. i adore nice things because they're, well nice. however, i don't want to look like everyone else. not head to toe, anyhow. fashion trends are inevitable...you're gonna see someone wearing similar stuff; i realize this. & i love fashion! i always have. oh, & those fall & spring ginormous, 10 lbs worth of vogue & harper's bazaar, still take my breath away! fractionally due to the aromatic nostalgia that hits you as soon as you open it up. i remember being a young girl admiring linda evangelista in her black, red, or platinum hair as a paloma picasso smelly insert made me dizzy as i voraciously rubbed it everywhere! ahh, when i grow up, i'm going to be fabulous too...sorry, i just drifted off into the fall collection of  '89...where was i? oh yea, aaand i'm back!
my style/inspirational beginnings bloomed from a sense of dreams & just plain po'. i looked at fashion magazines like they were the final word on anything & everything. if kristy turlington is wearing cover girl mascara in the pink & green container, then THAT is THE mascara...still my fave & one of the least expensive brands of makeup that i own to this day! & the fact that mom worked behind a lauder counter for many years, well, she totally got it. (& was particularly stylish herself, if i might add!) & if madonna had just started a budding bff relationship with jean paul gaultier, well then you better recognize (snap)! but where in the world would i find fabulous gear where i lived? i just assumed these fashions would stomp right off the runways of milan, paris, new york; into south carolina! right? ahaha...i wasn't the brightest kid, just the biggest dreamer! granted, we did have "the mall." it was across town, & visiting it meant a special post pay day field trip...it was an event. but it was only for the most important of reasons; back to school, christmas, springtime. or the occasional trip to the oober elite TAPP'S downtown for girl scout uniform paraphernalia! 


i understood very early that clothes cost money...lots of money. i know, i was pretty crushed myself. i mean, my parents didn't send me to school in rags. not even close, but new baubles & pretties just weren't thrown around. they were a necessity. 
enter high school & my new found love of old things. it's hard being a teenager in a fairly affluent school. the kids drive new cars; not all, but a lot. they have access to credit cards & have clothes upon clothes in their closets that still have tags on them. so i tried to think outside of the box. i'd pull out my magazines, & get to researching. most of the featured designs weren't found in the local gap or limited, and i found a great reassurance in that. so what if i paired my dad's vest from the 60's with an a-line dress that i found at the thrift store? to me, this was my way of being stylish (if only in my own head) & my shit was vintage! okay, so that really doesn't mean that you're cool in high school, but that was my story & i stuck with it. it was kind of funny...here i am in a houndstooth short dress from god-knows-when (which probably costs a buck) with colored tights & a granny sweater (i believe the kids call them cardis now) in class staring at 15 striped v-necks...the only difference being color of said stripes. folks called me weird, but i didn't care. & this stuck with me. 
my muse has always been beautiful/funky/different clothes or shoes or jewelry that i see in magazines or on the tele. & my biggest challenge has always been mimic-ing these sensations via thrift store, consignment hot spot, or my new fave, etsy.com. it seems a ton of gals & guys are discovering these resources more & more lately. i hear that the economy is bad? or something like that. now i will admit, i am much older now, & i can afford to splurge on myself (& i have), but really, where's the fun in that? lipsmackers still taste as good as ever, clinique's dramatically different moisturizer is the only thing my skin responds to, & wet n wild eyeliner (at like 2 bucks these days) makes that sophia loren cat-eye pop!
 i still would much rather people give me that "what the hell is she wearing?" look than think..."omg, i have that same top in navy, brown, & black!"