penny for my thoughts?

i'm not sure why certain ridiculous things keep me up in the middle of the night. but they do. i wonder about the dumbest things...did astronauts ever truly love tang? can your baby really learn to read? what is the employee discount at the dollar store? did the awful movie reviews for "gigli" break ben affleck & j-lo up? (yes, i'm still wondering this years later) or perhaps the annoyance of the whole name generator trend? because if anyone referred to me & the hubs as jasley or ashon, i would feel resentment.
and when i'm wide-eyed in the wee hours thinking about this nonsense, i write imaginary letters in my head.

dear ginsu knife,
     i know you can cut through a rusty ass can & then perfectly slice a tomato, creating (what i'm sure is) a lovely tetanus salad. but can you cleanly cut the crust off of a bologna or pb&j sandwich? that's all this consumer momma needs to know.

dear spanx,
      i love you...i do! but am supposed to (at times) have sci fi boobs as a result?

dear calgon,
      your ads are full of crap...just sayin'!

dear lean cuisine,
      why does it take at least 2...okay, 3 (on a bad day) to feel satiated? i think i've gained weight.

dear shamwow,
      good call on that spokesperson!

dear pajama jeans,
       i'll take two pair...& i'll alternate with my "mom jeans!" ps. if i act now, can i get a bumper sticker that reads "MILD...mom i least desire?"

dear jupiter jack,
      that particular station...99.3...that allows me to be "hands free" totally doesn't work where i live. sooo, thanks...for nothing.

dear ramen noodles,
      thanks for being you! keep up the good work.

dear "age-defying" product commercials,
       could you actually use real women over 25 who own a pair of well earned lines &/or stretch marks?

dear flowbee,
       how ya been? how are sales these days?

dear victoria,
       the jig is up...totally on to your "secret!"

dear shake weight,
       i'm sure your "dynamic inertia technology" is great. the problem is, i laugh so freakin hard at your commercial, that my abs end up with the workout & i totally forget about my droopy arms!

dear butt face towel,
       thanks for clearly marking "butt" on one side. phew...you have no idea how many times i've gotten confused & accidentally dried my butt & face with the same side of the towel.

dear gigantic cupcake mold,
      i don't know why you annoy me so much...you just do!

dear chia,
     by offering both a serious chia Obama & a happy chia Obama, you've really created quite a conundrum. will i ever be able to choose? YES I CAN!