20 questions...

so, anyone who has ever been around a child knows that as soon as they are able to talk, they do. a lot. a whole lot! monkey, for instance, starts chatting away from the moment he rolls out of his bed in the wee hours of morning until the last possible second at nighttime..."i need to tell you one more thing..."

so many questions, statements; hilarious, straight forward, sweet, awkward. "what is...how do you spell...can we...look at this...watch...did you know…are you watching this...oh, this girl told me she loved me today" on & on & on...seriously. most of the time the answers to this quiz master of mine fall fluid from my mouth without hesitation. sometimes they take some creativity. & other times, i am just a deer in freaking headlights at some of the shiz that my ears are hearing.

today's conversation was especially fun & unexpected (insert sarcasm & a bit of a blush here). it went something like this...

(scene: cold december day. entering the grocery. usually distracted by his  3ds, a more alert boy emerges.)

monkey: can we get curly fries?
me: sure. hold up, let me zip down this aisle real quick.
monkey: ooh, what’s this aisle? fem-i-nine hy...hydra? oh cool, there's a pokemon that evolves into a hydra!
me: really? ok, sh-shh
monkey: (very audible) why are you shushing me? whats in that box?
me: i'm not shushing...um, something i need.
monkey: whoa, there's like 20 of 'em in there! what are those? sticks or something? are you getting that yellow one? who are those for?
me: oh, nothing. they're for mommy. girl stuff.
monkey: can boys play with those?
me: they're not toys, baby. it's just something...NOW! let's go get you some curly fries!
monkey: just for girls? that doesn't seem fair.
me: you have no idea.
monkey: you gonna use all 20?
me: not today. so, i'm thinking dinner for you guys...why don’t you pick.
monkey: think we can have chicken nuggets with the curly fries?
me: absolutely, that's a fine idea! (whew!)
aaaad scene...

now, i don't know where he got hydra out of hygiene, he probably didn't sound the word all the way out (like we have been practicing with our reading), but i'm glad today he went with his first guess. how would i explain hygiene? okay, that would’ve been fairly simple, but not of the feminine variety. it was hard enough explaining why mommy uses an eyelash curler & tweezes her eyebrows “on purpose” (he feels this grooming is unnecessary & aren’t i worried about poking at my eyeball) i was impressed with my ability to avert his attention…it’s getting better. i felt relieved traveling away from this overflow of questions until i looked up to see if anyone had overheard any of this; i may never erase the image of the cheeky-grinned stock boy passing through from my mind. will i ever be able to shop at this store again? sure, it takes much more for me to be totally embarrassed. & hey, i'm sure that it made him giggle.
kids are funny creatures, for sure!

heavy heart...

i know that i’m not alone in the sadness & heartbreak that i still feel over what happened last friday. pretty sure that i cried most of the day after i read online of the absolute unspeakable that had occurred in a family-oriented small town in connecticut. i thought “how could this happen?” but it did, & it was like the whole world stopped turning; or slow motion-like, for me at least. i had literally just left monkey’s school where i had helped out with a holiday party.

i always check in with the front desk when i visit & immediately walk over to the computerized i.d. thingy; insert driver’s license & look into the camera equals instant identification sticker. because of the morning’s events/last day before break/et ceteras, there was a ready-made visitor sticker handed to me by the kind lady that i’ve seen so many times before. no big deal. why would there be? i was simply going to engage in chaperone-y fun.

the kids, 2^nd graders, were already beaming from ear to ear…winter break was upon them. who wouldn’t be overjoyed? & that day only meant celebratory goodness. games, laughter, silliness, cupcakes…ahh, my element. their sweet little faces. the excitement. the hilarity of trying to create a human snowman with a roll of toilet paper. the sticky hands from attempting to create igloos with mini marshmellows & ornamental green wire. it was totally fun. i get such a kick out of any time that i can volunteer to help out with monkey’s class. & his classmates are so great…i’m always greeted with “hey, it’s your mom...look, your mom's here!” & the sweetest hugs. (i love me some hugs!)

once the party was over, i said “see in a bit” to the monkey. the children went to special areas; i stayed to clean up a bit, & headed out. since i only had about an hour to grab some lunch before sitting in the carpool line, i was sandwich shoppe bound. waiting for my yummy hummus ‘wich, i was still in my la la land of smiles & loveliness & santa lists recites &…then i go for my phone. bomb.shell! my heart freaking dropped! i ate my lunch by myself facing the window away from the crowded restaurant & felt so dizzy. you could have blown me over like a feather…as i’m sure was a feeling that most felt.

so thankful that i had not seen this/heard about this before-hand; because i could’ve easily & would’ve been in emotional robot mode instead of invested in the fun at hand. but, honey, was i sad in that line of cars waiting. stagnant. tearful. unable to wrap my brain around such…ready to see my monkey! hold him tight, love on him, kiss his face, smell his head. never let go? these were the thoughts in my head.

worst nightmare? most definitely. i’m a parent. i fear that helpless feeling; as i’m sure most moms & dads do. heck, everybody for that matter! the hubs was beside himself as well. these things make no sense. & every gamut of emotion runs its course.

so, what do we do? well, i’m not a super genius, but i can start by adding more “i love yous.” i have explained the events that have happened that day to my 8 year old & how there are a bazillion more good people than bad. (i try to remind myself, too) i see how these occurrences affect folks & how they either go from one extreme to the other. in my heart, i just think troubled souls will find a way…i’m not advocating gun yeas or neas. bad things happen. period. it’s awful. it’s disturbing. but it always puts things in perspective (for me, that is). i hope that i never know the unsettling chaos that some people endure, but i will say that my mind & spirit ache for them. i’m not a religious person, but i see a heaven that welcomes teeny tiny boys & girls & washes away any fears. i can’t protect my child’s every move…i know that. that scares me. that’s the new normal. & though i hate that i have to say no to monsters in the closet, but yes to them everywhere else…well, i will slowly get that. in the meantime, smooches to you & your babies. i understand the worry, but life goes on. & to the children & protectors of this tragedy…those angels, young & old…we will remember you always.

*p.s. watch over the rest of us!

girl facts...

(or some of mine, at least)

you don't have to wait until february 14th to spend a bazillion dollars on roses. i would enjoy fresh flowers any day, even wild roadside finds.

when you know how i take my coffee or my favorite things to snack on, it’s loverly.

romance doesn't have to stress you out or break the bank. it’s the simplest of things or sweetness that really counts.

i do appreciate some sword fighting, ass kicking, testosterone filled movies, but i will not pretend that the genre's my bag. i adore a good chick flick at heart. (eek, or horror!)

slave over a hot stove, go ahead...i like that. (especially if you pick up the dirty dishes tab)

kisses are always welcome. slow dancing is too. (music is optional)

at times i cry. no reason. relax, you didn’t do anything.

i might love the monkey just a tad bit more...it's nothing personal. i hope you feel the same!

it has to be perfect...it just does. i don't know why, just go with it.

the moments when i’m most agitated...i know you're trying to be funny, but it's not helping.

if i'm over emotional or complicated chances are it’s not even "that lady time." aren’t you a lucky guy?

i really do like other women. society wants us to hate each other for some reason. truth is, secure gals long for the girl's night, the buncos, the lunch dates, the book clubs. no men, no kids...hell yeah!

bubble baths with candles & music can make the world drift away...who doesn't need that?!

aspca & feed the children commercials will always hit that soft spot.

i like when you tell me that i look good...on off days & special occasions. or pretty much whenever. but, i still don't fully believe you. don't try to figure that out.

when guys listen & remember things, it's like a miracle.

foot rub & back massage requests aren't always a gateway to sex. my feet & back do ache...just saying. (this is also a nod to the phrase "i'm exhausted"...it's not a cold dagger to your manhood, it actually means..."i'm exhausted!")

i swoon at the way you play & love & talk to our child. warm fuzzies every time.

i'm still convinced that a woman invented the microwave oven...who else would've vied for a hot meal after everyone else was fed & happy? am i wrong?

i get giddy over pink & lace & sparkly stuff, but if it's dirt & grime that must go down...i don't even wince at the challenge.

i may not prefer guns or range places or bullet shells as decor, but i do appreciate the thought of being safe from potential bad guys & zombies when the world finally goes to crap.

when i can't find a certain pair of shoes or a shirt or whatever, it's just because i want to look my best...for you.

there's always a method to my madness...my estrogen fueled, freak out-ish madness.

cry for help...

okay, so i’m kind of at a road/writer’s/witty block. i know, it happens. i have things to say & stories to tell, but i feel like when i attempt to elaborate on the misadventures or observations of ash that they’re like snoozeville, usa. everytime i start a new blog, i instantly wish i had an old typewriter so i can crumple up the paper & pretend to be jordan with a trashcan hoop.

what is going on? i’m dry, folks. second guessing my ability to reach a common ground with any audience. this just isn’t me. i usually have so much nonsense rattling around, & could care less who reads it or not; i just put it out there. lately, this is not the case, & i’m not exactly sure why.

maybe i need fresh musings. going into the new year, i’d like to be inspired outside of my everyday norms. perhaps, i’ll bring surveys back? lists of randomness? best quotes; movies, music? do you want more kitchen witchery type stuff? maybe my confidence is just down these days. oh no, maybe my funny bone is broken…i am accident-prone, ya know?!

help! i am calling from all corners & enlisting your aid. i don’t want to hit a wall when i need to share, but i definitely don’t want to bore anyone or cause them to lose interest.

comment here or message me incognito-like. (also, my twitter “handle” is @miscellaneash)

thanks miscellane-folk…i hope to be rejuvenated really soon. (*gosh, this is sad. will i even post this? yes, yes i think i will.)