i know that i’m not alone in the sadness & heartbreak
that i still feel over what happened last friday. pretty sure that i cried most
of the day after i read online of the absolute unspeakable that had occurred in
a family-oriented small town in connecticut. i thought “how could this happen?”
but it did, & it was like the whole world stopped turning; or slow
motion-like, for me at least. i had literally just left monkey’s school where i
had helped out with a holiday party.
i always check in with the front desk when i visit &
immediately walk over to the computerized i.d. thingy; insert driver’s license
& look into the camera equals instant identification sticker. because of
the morning’s events/last day before break/et ceteras, there was a ready-made
visitor sticker handed to me by the kind lady that i’ve seen so many times
before. no big deal. why would there be? i was simply going to engage in
chaperone-y fun.
the kids, 2nd graders, were already beaming from
ear to ear…winter break was upon them. who wouldn’t be overjoyed? & that
day only meant celebratory goodness. games, laughter, silliness, cupcakes…ahh,
my element. their sweet little faces. the excitement. the hilarity of trying to
create a human snowman with a roll of toilet paper. the sticky hands from
attempting to create igloos with mini marshmellows & ornamental green wire.
it was totally fun. i get such a kick out of any time that i can volunteer to
help out with monkey’s class. & his classmates are so great…i’m always
greeted with “hey, it’s your mom...look, your mom's here!” & the sweetest hugs. (i love me some
hugs!)
once the party was over, i said “see in a bit” to the
monkey. the children went to special areas; i stayed to clean up a bit, &
headed out. since i only had about an hour to grab some lunch before sitting in
the carpool line, i was sandwich shoppe bound. waiting for my yummy hummus ‘wich,
i was still in my la la land of smiles & loveliness & santa lists
recites &…then i go for my phone. bomb.shell! my heart freaking dropped! i
ate my lunch by myself facing the window away from the crowded restaurant &
felt so dizzy. you could have blown me over like a feather…as i’m sure was a
feeling that most felt.
so thankful that i had not seen this/heard about this
before-hand; because i could’ve easily & would’ve been in emotional robot
mode instead of invested in the fun at hand. but, honey, was i sad in that line
of cars waiting. stagnant. tearful. unable to wrap my brain around such…ready
to see my monkey! hold him tight, love on him, kiss his face, smell his head.
never let go? these were the thoughts in my head.
worst nightmare? most definitely. i’m a parent. i fear that
helpless feeling; as i’m sure most moms & dads do. heck, everybody for that
matter! the hubs was beside himself as well. these things make no sense. &
every gamut of emotion runs its course.
so, what do we do? well, i’m not a super genius, but i can
start by adding more “i love yous.” i have explained the events that have
happened that day to my 8 year old & how there are a bazillion more good
people than bad. (i try to remind myself, too) i see how these occurrences
affect folks & how they either go from one extreme to the other. in my
heart, i just think troubled souls will find a way…i’m not advocating gun yeas
or neas. bad things happen. period. it’s awful. it’s disturbing. but it always
puts things in perspective (for me, that is). i hope that i never know the
unsettling chaos that some people endure, but i will say that my mind &
spirit ache for them. i’m not a religious person, but i see a heaven that
welcomes teeny tiny boys & girls & washes away any fears. i can’t
protect my child’s every move…i know that. that scares me. that’s the new
normal. & though i hate that i have to say no to monsters in the closet,
but yes to them everywhere else…well, i will slowly get that. in the meantime,
smooches to you & your babies. i understand the worry, but life goes on.
& to the children & protectors of this tragedy…those angels, young &
old…we will remember you always.
*p.s. watch over the rest of us!
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