things i have to do today...

i haven't got it together...i've never pretended to or eluded from this fact. at my speed...in my time; okay, so usually in the eleventh hour, but tada...i pull it off. done. on to my next feat.

this week is different...the control is not in my hands. & i wait. i've reached point a...check. now, i wait for point b (in order to get to point c.) & this drives me crazy...i've lost control. was i a master of it? no, but i called the shots. i made the mess & i cleaned it up or i've gone out on that limb, & sweet...i did it! this is when my faith is tested. (& i hate that.)

not my faith in others, but in myself. why are there so many speed bumps? am i doing what i'm supposed to be doing?

man, tests suck! i especially never liked multiple choice. made me doubt myself. much like now. i know the answer...don't i? yes, of course i do, because i have doubled checked over & over...or maybe i didn't.

& the seasons are changing...i can feel them; weather wise (snarfy, raspy), but also emotionally. bad timing?

you know, i could doubt myself all freaking day. (it's a habitual thing) or i can go for it...make it happen. i have a tendency to come up with crazy ideas, but i at least try them. if i say i'm going to do something, it's pretty much a sure thing. i am not a fan of talking...if you "talk" about it, it goes away, right?! but i wait...in the meantime...for someone else to give me the push forward or just the make-up test.

what happened to the days when all you had to do was show up? oh, yea, grown-up stuff. but i won't go back in time...keeping forward. onward or bust!

& yet, among my anxiety & the music that i cling to during my "moment" & the emotional suitcase that is packed to gill...i am reminded of a poem sent by a friend. someone who knows that i can mark off these to-do's lickety-split; someone who has faith in my craziness. & from my soul sister, a simple reminder. because at the end of the day...it's the littlest of things that speak to me. the water's fine; my spirit is diving in...thanks JG!


the road
tony hoagland

down near the bottom of the crossed-out list of things you have to do today, between "green thread" and "broccoli," you find that you have penciled "sunlight." resting on the page, the word is beautiful. it touches you as if you had a friend and sunlight were a present he had sent from someplace distant as this morning—to cheer you up,
and to remind you that, among your duties, pleasure is a thing that also needs accomplishing.
do you remember? that time and light are kinds of love, and love is no less practical than a coffee grinder or a safe spare tire?
tomorrow you may be utterly without a clue, but today you get a telegram from the heart in exile, proclaiming that the kingdom still exists, the king and queen alive, still speaking to their children,
—to any one among them who can find the time to sit out in the sun and listen.