long time coming...

some know, but most of you don’t know that i am the “baby” of three siblings. an older sister & an older brother, who is predeceased. i have been meaning to write about him for a while now, but it’s always very hard to process everything that i would want to say. you will still not know him by the end of this, but maybe you will get an idea of my love for him. fingers crossed.

what prompted this, you ask. maybe it’s the constant reminders i get through headlines of hate crimes, anti-gay whatever, or a country that continues to deny human equality. maybe it’s because i just made it through another september…where it starts out weirdly sad, my balance is off (more than usual), or i have that feeling where i’ve forgotten something; did i turn the stove off, leave the back door open, leave the curlers plugged in? nope, september is always my empty feeling month, then i remember why. 13 years ago this particular month, my brother, charles left this world. he left. & i didn’t see him in the hospital…in his eleventh hour. i could not. i’m glad that i could not. it is the best decision that i’ve ever made. i knew i would only remember a sick man lying in a hospital bed, clinging for his life, losing his battle. (i would remember, later on, feeling the sigh of relief when i turned 28...even though, i know that sounds strange.) 

no, i chose to remember the vital, quirky, “best of the best, please,” older brother. a black sheep…pretty outspoken…one of the good guys.

charles was my mother’s son from another marriage. her first. young & willing to leave her small town only to end up in another; where then, new husband decided to change his marital status. a teenage girl, in a strange town was now a new mother & divorcee. sounds like a freaking lifetime movie, huh? and the solution to her woe…”kind” new in-laws who would help rear the grandchild until mom got on her feet. thing is, when she did, that plan was out the window. single mother without a child…just single.

he tried though, when he was old enough, to make contact with my mother. & he came to live with us as a late teenager…17?  (i was around 9, i guess) it didn’t last very long. & when he called her to tell her he was gay? she simply said “i know.” mothers know these things, maybe. or they just love, nonetheless. (that’s what i’m sticking with anyways...the almighty unconditional.)

the last time i saw him, he was living in charleston with a couple of roomies. no love interest. i think about that now & feel extremely sad. not sure why; guess because i would never have wanted him to feel alone, ya know?! the year 1998…he had a couple of strange sores on his arms. i didn’t think anything of it. i definitely didn’t think “lesions.” he had invited me down to visit him. we exchanged numbers. i would never make the trip. i was discouraged a bit, but i’m not gonna bust anyone’s chops over that. i was more than old enough  to drive at that point & had my own car…i could’ve been more decisive of my own whereabouts, etc. but i tried to do what i was told. the neat thing, though (& this has always resonated with me), is that the hubs is my only friend that ever met my big brother.

several months later, i would be engaged. the hubs & i would visit my sister in pennsylvania & celebrate. hubs ate the worm, by way of testosterone pressure…bleck! i do remember that. we would get back from that trip in august, but i would never get to tell my brother the news.

the doctor called my mother & said that charles wouldn’t make it through the night. she drove to charleston the next day anyway. she wouldn’t be there long (like, less than 30 minutes) before he passed. he waited for her in the end. he waited for his mom.

it absolutely sucks to lose anyone you love. but i draw strength from the person that my brother was & the person i envision that he would’ve been. he wasn’t that “gay man who died from AIDS,” to me & shouldn’t be to you. i found a voice through him. i have learned a lot about myself & the person that i want to be & the person that i want to raise my child to be. i don’t stand behind or put myself in front of folks that are different from me…i stand WITH them. i support equality for everyone. no one deserves to walk this earth with a stigma attached or have their epitaph read “i died a shameful death.” AIDS doesn’t pick you out of a crowd, it doesn’t discriminate, you don’t have to be a certain height to ride that ride!

& no matter what former administrations or religious radicals have stated, my brother did not die because of a “lifestyle.” a “lifestyle” is driving an SUV, living out of your means, or keeping up with the “joneses!”

& in the end, he is remembered on a daily…he is loved…& i’m proud to say that i had the opportunity to know him (what little bit), charles, my big brother!