et tu, cheetos...

to catch you up, i've been having this majorly huge pity party lately. i mean super huge...streamers, high fructose corn syrup, bit of hops...par-tay! i don't know if it was because i was home sick last week & had time to think about how lame i was or what. stop me if you've had this moment...it is so truly fantastic!

what i realized is that i am at a total dead end right now. emotionally & mentally exhausted. my internal gps is on a complete loop (in that annoying british robot voice) "re-calculating!" i went down nostalgia avenue, turned right on memory lane, passed the exit ramp onto get-over-it highway, and ended up on bitter drive. these days it's all i can do to avoid consuming the entire edible section of my pantry. i have heard rumors of people who absolutely cannot eat when they are stressed out &/or at low points in their lives. i am glad i don't personally know any of these alleged folks because i would have to smack them. (peanut butter & goldfish crackers are a match made in heaven, btw.)

p.s. if you didn't get an invite, it's only because who the heck wants to show up to "that" kind of party? & with my luck (that particular day), i'd end up someone who really did have a suckier life than me, or would want to challenge me for the loser title. i'm not the competitive type for instances such as these...for example, i say "i have a headache" & they say "i think i should be hospitalized for this migraine that is the size of texas!" nope, i just can't do it!

anyways, i was on the brink of o.d.ing on crunchy corn fried cheesy goodness when i heard the voice of one of my fave ballsy lady's, mae west, in my head. now, the way that i imagine her is sort of as my fairy godmother...or if i could choose one, it'd be her. she would refer to me as sugah or hon or dollface. sassy & brash & awesome. she has said things like:

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

and

 It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

i know, right?! i think every gal could use a little mae in her life, but that's just me.

where was i? oh yea, the inner voice...boy, was it was loud, but necessary! a reminder that if i'm doubtful or not 100% about something, then i need to get off my butt & fix it. or at the least, get moving in the positively right direction again. i have too many years invested in this spine of mine & it'd be criminal not to use it. so, i don't have everything (to my standards), but i have 'it!' a little thing i like to think of as gumption. & i don't believe many folks have this characteristic, or they don't take advantage if they do! maybe it's something that is acquired from certain life experiences, or an internal strength that has to be honed...i'm not really sure.

fortunately, for me, i seldom have these sad little episodes of self loathe. it's just that when they hit...they hit hard. & i never truly discuss my feelings; mainly because i don't want any one to ever feel sorry for me. i try very hard to have the best possible poker face, although it is still a work in progress. 

in spite of everything, the one highlight that always saves my spirit...that sweet smile of my little monkey man! yep, makes crap better every time!