big girl panties...

yea, i wear em. why wouldn't i at this point in my life? you see, i've allowed people to run over me; letting others take credit for my ideas/creativity in the past...because "we were a team!" and i am definitely a team player, so i figured it's okay...a little weird & annoying, but that's the way one should act, right? polite & subordinate be it a friendship or workplace? some things don't always add up or make sense, but i really shouldn't ask any questions, yes? WRONG-O! it got to the point where i was doing what i'm supposed to be doing on my end, then waiting...meet ya half way! but i'm a pleaser, so i go a little further & a little bit more and...oh, what the hell, i'll go ahead and finish this project/research/call & remind you! aaand there you have it folks...guess who grew the wheat, rolled the dough, and baked the bread? push over little ash. boy, when that bread is ready though, everybody & their grandma comes a-running!

so i had that "a-ha" moment one day! you know that, why am i so quiet? why don't i speak my mind? why do i continue to work twice as hard to keep these relationships happily intact but it's not being reciprocated? oh, yea...don't burn bridges. where the hell did that come from? damn you moral fiber!!! so, i decided that there are basic guidelines that i could set for myself to alleviate anxiety attacks &/or ridiculous encounters that really were not worth the effort. (simple, yet effective)
1. positive train...hop on if you want friends, but leave your negative nancy persona at the station. everybody has bad days...everybody! it's nice to have someone to vent to, HOWEVER, if all you do is complain & there's absolutely nothing to be glad about...like ever, then i'm leaving ya behind. sorry bout cha!
2. i can't control any insecurities that others have! because isn't that what it almost always boils down to? catty behavior...snarky comments...come on, not my problem. it's nothing personal. i get it...because i've been there, who hasn't? and i realized that it doesn't make me feel better to judge someone else or constantly try to keep up with "the joneses!" it's tiresome...and who's to say that so-and-so has so much going for them. maybe it's an act...no body's life is perfect! trust me, when it clicks that your unhappiness is completely unrelateable to someone who IS happy, you're gonna feel a lot better!
3. i'm pretty sure that i will not please all the people all of the time. i cannot worry about this & it's taken me a long time to be okay with that. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIKE ME!! there, i said it...out loud & it's cool...i will survive.
4. i'm careful to choose my battles...it's a cliche, but it works. i decide what's best for me...not you. if i put something that's actually important on my mental back-burner then guess what? house of freaking cards for ME...not you! see how that works?
5. i never set out to be adversarial...i promise! but i do have a point of view. i don't tend to walk on eggshells (as a rule). that being said, i don't expect anyone to agree with me 100% of the time. how boring would that be? just as i will hear you, i think it's only fair that you return the favor. is that really too much to ask? i say what i mean. mean what i say. there. done! i know, i'm such a rebel...NOT! besides, i have actually learned some things about myself when i'm not the only voice i hear...true story. you should try it!


okay, so amidst all the rambling, let's recap...shall we? i'm still discovering the many sides of myself & how i relate to others because i am constantly evolving & figuring out what fits & what does not! i really do give people the benefit of the doubt whether they accept it or not. i have opinions & insights that may differ from the herd. i don't throw people under buses (not my style). i prefer to compliment instead of criticize. i would rather laugh than argue...so for goodness sake, could people lighten up and stop taking everything so freaking serious!! i put my big girl panties on one leg at a time. oh, and my checks...you know the ones i verbally write? they're almost always cashable!