"i thought..."

"...how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and i thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in." ~virginia woolf

i look at the world & i want to change it. i listen to intellectual broadcasts, so that i know what is going on. i want to save trees & plant new ones. i always strive to be a better cook for my boys. i started reading & re-visiting the classics…books i’ve read & ones that i never felt any interest in until now. i hear of people in need & i want help them. i look at my child & i want to be somebody. not afraid to admit it…here writes a believer in evolution. i am constantly trying to be better from the inside/out. does anyone else go through this at one time or another? (maybe i just feel like everyone thinks like me. this could be a very good thing or a very bad thing…yikes.)

where am i going with this? oh, yeah…me! nope, totally kidding; er, maybe. i think what i am struggling with right now is my juggling abilities these days. once again, i am voluntarily (because i am a volunteer, not a victim…promise!) choosing paths that otherwise wouldn’t be that big of a deal…20 years ago. but i have a family; an 18 year old relationship (12 ½ year marriage), 7 year old child, losing a 4+ year old job safety net…at 35. & i’m switching shit up…holy crap! those numbers in black & white make it a tad bit scarier. but, i’m a soul seeker, you guys. & when inspiration or passion or aspiration moves me, i have to go for it! is that selfish?

change…it’s a must with me. i thrive off of shuffling things up, perhaps. but there’s a method to my madness…always. i’m a planner! & i meticulously calculate (or attempt to) absolutely everything. i’m not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants gal; even though i always secretly wanted to be. that’s just not how i saw the world growing up…not in my genes. always thinking about that “big picture.”

hurdles & speed bumps should’ve been my middle name…i never excel with plan a, but dammit, i will try until plan h (?) finally comes through for me like a champ?! (if it’s something that i want.) and why do i hear kenny roger’s ‘the gambler’ in my head? (shush, kenny!) should i title this ‘reasons why i drink?’ nah, i will tackle this new adventure as i would a new tattoo…it’s gonna hurt (smoothing out the cracks/settling into the groove of things) but not forever. (you liked that analogy, didn’t you?) & this, folks, is my mental chat about that i have with myself on a daily basis. good news…the ambition usually wins the back & forth battle.

my atmosphere is going to be insane. but...i’ll still make time to change the world where i can, get the scoop on “smart” important outside events, plant new beautiful life, plan meals & cook for my fam, read my books, help out my community, & be somebody to look up to for my child. & in the meantime, when i need support, i’ll look to the hubs (obviously), the monkey, & i’ll reflect on the many “you go girls” that i’ve received.



ps. this girl has entered/been involved in several art (environmental & non) shows & exhibits, played roller derby, participated in craft fairs, & celebrated many a monumental feat without a fan base. & will continue to do so, if the moment moves her to. *not a basis for personal change, experience, & growth…well, for me anyways! & i don't seek approval...that usually involves discouragement. i prefer to "write home" later. if i concentrated on life being a popularity contest, i wouldn’t have gotten this far. forgiveness, not permission, right?! besides, i’m content with miss congeniality over spring queen any day.